In light of the fact that a huge swath of white nationalists and separatists in the U.S. — from the hoary old KKK to neo-Confederates to garden-variety racists and assorted Bannonistas — are positively giddy at the prospect of a Donald Trump presidency, perhaps it’s time to take stock of what it is, exactly, that whites do so well.
After all, tens of millions of Americans enthusiastically voted for a thin-skinned semi-literate, serial bankrupt and congenital groper who made a point of courting bigots and sectarians during his campaign. The least the rest of us can do is examine why so many white Americans remain so sure of their own racial supremacy, and why they’ve embraced a character like Donald Trump as their knight in orange armor.
With that in mind, here in no particular order are a few things at which whites historically and unquestionably excel.
Killing Other White People — Contrary to Mr. Trump’s puzzling insistence that 80 percent of whites killed in America are murdered by African Americans, pesky FBI statistics indicate that more than 80 percent of murdered white Americans are, in fact, killed by other whites. (Blacks accounted for less than 15 percent of white deaths in 2014, and a devastating 90 percent of black deaths. Neither of those statistics is anything to celebrate — but nor are they suggestive of the epidemic of black-on-white violence that Trump and other fact-averse racialists continue to bleat and tweet about.)
Walking on the Moon — To date, only 12 humans have walked on the moon. They were all white guys. Why do other races hate the moon so much? Why?
Avoiding Arrest for Illicit Drug Use — According to a survey conducted a few years ago by the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, almost 20 percent of whites have used cocaine. For Latinos and blacks, that number is closer to 10 percent. White people have also used or abused prescription pain killers (Oxy, for example), hallucinogens, and stimulants like crystal meth at higher percentage rates than most other ethnic groups.
Despite these shenanigans, blacks are arrested for drug possession more than three times as often as whites — a discrepancy that might be due to racial bias, more aggressive policing in minority neighborhoods, or other law-enforcement vagaries. But isn’t it just possible that the lower arrest rate for whites is due to the fact that some people are really good at getting away with enjoying illegal drugs, without attracting the attention of the po-po? How about some credit where credit is due?
Eating Competitively — A weirdly high percentage of the highest ranked competitive eaters in the world — men and women, alike — are white. This is exactly the sort of accomplishment that billions of people in the non-white world look upon with astonishment, and envy. And empty bellies. And disgust. But mostly envy.
Drinking Donkey Semen — Remember seeing those adorable Florida twins, Brynne and Claire Odioso, downing mugs of donkey semen and urine on an episode of “Fear Factor” a few years back? Yeah, neither do I, because the network decided not to air the footage. (NBC: Global arbiter of good taste!)
But the adorable Odiosos had a good time chatting about their experience after the fact — and who among us has not seen clips of other stomach-churning acts from the show’s long, dignified run? Sure, there were some non-white contestants on “Fear Factor,” but evidently none had the heart or the class to chug donkey spunk in order to be on TV.
Saluting Like Nazis — As a recent alt-right conference in Washington, DC, makes plain, white people are still simply the best at giving Nazi-style salutes while hollering original slogans like, “Hail Trump! Hail our people!”
Now, by “our people,” the uber-homogeneous conference crowd might have been referring to the marvelously diverse, pluralistic society we’ve built here in America over centuries. But seeing as how keynote speaker and alt-right Grand Poobah Richard B. Spencer assured his audience that white people must “conquer or die” and that America “belongs to us,” the attendees probably did mean “hail whites!” after all. Which makes those straight-arm salutes that much more … Nuremberg-y.
Keeping Non-Whites From Voting — Give it up for the bright, white GOP: when it wants to make voting more difficult, instead of more accessible, for millions of Americans, today’s Republicans know how to get all their cute little voter-suppression ducks in a row. In fact, this year’s presidential election was the first in 50 years in which full protections of the landmark 1965 Voting Rights Act were not enforced across the land. Talk about supremacy!
Being Hannity — As earnestly as people of color might yearn to be Bill O’Reilly’s angry, insecure niece, that role is now, and always will be, filled to perfection by Sean Hannity. Sorry, folks.
Again, these are but a few of the endeavors and pursuits at which whites excel. Any sentient human could come up with countless more. Hail our people, indeed.