Jenelle
Though Jenelle "just needs to focus on" herself, she'd like to also have a boyfriend at the same time. Duh, it's not like "focus on herself" means "be alone," it just means "be with the lesser of two evils" and also do soul-searching in the form of Kieffer and marijuana.
Since Jenelle was also arrested during her big Gary blowout, she's miserable on many levels. She's completely dead behind the eyes as she tells friend Tori about the domestic abuse, noting that he took the ring off her finger before the police came. She also tries to pretend like she was only with Gary because she was waiting for Kieffer to get his life together, but let's call a douche bag a douche bag -- Jenelle is desperate for any justification that makes her feel like she's in control of her life. Hell, I'm not even completely sure she knows what to do after waking up and black eyelinering herself into oblivion.
With court coming up, Jenelle hits up my favorite frat boy-turned-lawyer Dustin Sullivan. Every time he talks to Jenelle, you can tell that he has no clue how she ended up on his client roster, or where his fantastic wrap-around sunglasses have gone. He looks a lot hotter in his Oakleys, and without them, his massive class rings have nothing to reflect off of. All in all, it's a much less impressive look. Without that special glint that screams "I peaked in high school," we jump blah-ly into Jenelle's legal troubles.
"I'm astonished that you, as a victim contacting 911, were actually charged with possession of marijuana, possession of drug paraphernalia, simple assault and possession of a schedule four controlled substance." (That last conviction, for those of you who do not have "'Controlled Drugs and Substances" bookmarked like some 'Teen Mom 2' fanatics who will remain unnamed as Sydney Levin, refers to meds a doctor prescribes, like Xanax. Lord knows nothing makes a gal yearn for an anti-anxiety med like getting thrown in the slammah.)
Jenelle describes the horror that unfolded, noting that she was first brought outside before the police searched her home. Dustin explains that since nobody can prove the drugs were hers, and because she attacked Gary to save her own life, she's potentially in a good spot. "What remains is the truth that you told investigators," he says. "You have to remember that you're the victim in this case." If Jenelle's story -- that she was strangled with a bed sheet -- is true, she should have nothing to worry about in court. If she's lying ... then she's in a world of trouble.
Afterward, Bahhbrahh comes over to ask about Kieffuh while he's in the other room playing his video games. As you recall, there's nothing Bahhbrahh likes less in the world than Kieffuh, except maybe saying words properly or glasses with rims that go all the way around. "The older Jace gets, he's going to ask 'why does my mother keep havin' all these boyfriends,'" Bahhbrahh says wisely. I'm gonna go ahead and say that Jace will have bigger questions, like 'where is my mother' or 'how come the future version of myself has such a bad command of the English language?'
Jenelle ponders all this, but is mostly too busy drinking the last Mondo fruit squeezer in the world to reply. Uh, 1993 called and wants to be sure you know how impressive it is that I remembered that name. "He has no pending charges AND he has his GED," Jenelle says proudly, like not having a record and graduating high school is something to be extremely proud of. Kieffer wants to seal the moment with a hug, and Bahhbrahh is just blown away. "Whatyadoing, like takin' YOGA now?" she says incredulously, like yoga is a dangerous gateway to emotions.
Though Jenelle is going to court for something very serious, she decides it would still be best to dress like someone wrapped up in a fashion crime. Between her skin-tight (and far too short) skirt and plunging black lycra top, I'm wondering if she thinks 'Courthouse' is actually a hot new club inside the government building.
All jokes about her unfortunate outfit aside, it was a tough hour for Jenelle. There was no resolution, and she had to see Gary for the first time since her waking nightmare. Since Kieffer and Jenelle didn't see him leave, they debate what's happened. Jenelle thinks he's probably back in jail, but Kieffer thinks he's been sequestered so he can't get a beat down from his royal high-ness.
"We might as well go out in the woods and fight like men," Kieffer spits. I appreciate on a very basic level that he wants to defend Jenelle, but threatening to have a physical fight with someone who just physically abused his gal pal is just too demented and ironic. Obviously nobody has learned anything from this experience, and violence will continue to beget violence.
As Kieffer and Jenelle talk, Gary suddenly appears behind them, dressed head-to-toe in his military uniform. At first they don't notice him, but eventually they're hip to his presence. Kieffer stands up and stalks him, but Gary hops in a car and speeds away. He knows he's a wanted man. "He did something he deserves to be punished for," Kieffer says. "I admit I hit him," Jenelle offers. "But it was self defense."
Chelsea
Looks like Chelsea's gotten the viral equivalent of Adam: Mono, an illness that makes you feel too weak and sad to put on a ton of makeup. Since she's an succubus of plague who believes heavily in "sharing is caring," she heads on over to her sister's house to rest up. Her sister has a daughter named Braylee, since everyone in the Chelsea family is legally bound to end their names with as many vowels as possible. "It doesn't get out of your system, but you feel better," Chelsea says, explaining the effect of both a horrific ex and a terrible sickness. Since it's contagious (still talking about Epstein-Barr and not Epstein-He Should Be Barred From Chelsea's Life), Chelsea has had to take a chunk of time off school.
Since Chelsea's illness means she will die if she's not on a couch, she's sprawled out at home when we see her next. This time, though, she's got more than swollen glands and pus on her mind. Her landlord suddenly wants both sides of the twin home he shares with Chelsea, and that means moving AGAIN. At this point, I'm actually exasperated for her, and hope she'll follow through on her plans to just get a house that nobody can take out from under her. On top of that, Chelsea continues to miss school -- and at this point, she thinks she should take a leave of absence and push back her graduation date. See, in Chelsea's life, it's never just one thing that goes wrong. I have to give it to her: When girlfriend falls apart, she's the Berlin Wall of falling apart. She's the Chinua Achebe of falling apart. (Ahem, he wrote 'Things Fall Apart,' and wasn't talking about her discount weave.)
Finally, with her decision made, Chelsea goes to Black Beauty to break the news to a woman with an entire container of LA Looks in her super curly hair. Miss Monica isn't thrilled, and informs Chelsea that her average is a 60 and her percentage of attendance is a 56. Basically, even when Chelsea is in the building, she's failing. Miss Monica actually agrees that it's best if Chelsea takes a 1-month break and returns when her head's in the game. "You are very talented and things come easy to you, but you could go a lot further," Shirley Temple-Black lies through her teeth.
On her way out, Chelsea says goodbye to her friends, grabs her tortured mannequin head and hits the road. As she drives away, her relief is palpable.
Leah
Shockingly, Corey hasn't reached out to Leah since she blindsided him and bled his bank account dry at their court hearing. During baby drop off, he hands her a check and tries to share his special feelings. Of course it backfires, and Leah says something really sanctimonious about how Corey "plays with" the babies while she feeds and clothes them. Welp, looks like Corey's secret is revealed: He apparently starves his children of both clothes and accessories when they're in his custody. Blown away and disgusted, Corey walks away.
But there's no time to worry about her ex-husband when she's trying to plan a "big beach wedding" with her new-and-improved man friend! Her mom pops over to "holler at her" about a last-minute wedding plan, which one can only assume is: "would you like us to cater it from Olive Garden or Boston Market?" Unlimited bread sticks on one hand, that half-frozen mac and cheese on the other ... it's honestly a culinary Sophie's Choice for Diabetes sufferers.
All jokes aside, Leah has a painful issue to discuss: Her biological dad. She'd like her birth father to walk her down the aisle along with her step-father, Lee, and it's a potentially tricky situation. To be honest, I didn't even realize that the man we've seen her mom with all these seasons isn't her bio dad. It's just further proof that shared DNA does not a father make. "I don't want him to walk in your life and have something to do with you and make everything look good, then walk right back out and crush everybody," her mom says cautiously. "It does scare me," Leah admits. At first, I thought she was referencing her mom's look: It's a sort of Lady Gaga meets an inbred Target lady mess of long red nails, poverty and general unattractiveness. Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree that's maybe been drinking contaminated call-Erin-Brokovich water.
When Leah confronts Lee, he urges her to reach out to her father and is a bundle of guarded positivity in too-tiny glasses. His one concern is that it may be hard to share something special with someone she barely knows.
Finally, Leah decides to ring up good ol' Gary. He lives in Florida, but they've been trying to stay in better contact. He sounds like a typical guy who ditches his family and skips his daughter's first wedding, but luckily his progeny has made a mistake that offers him a second chance. "Baby, there's nothing can stop me now," he says creepily. Still, Leah must be desperate for this relationship, because she's glowing like a redneck after a spray tan sesh.
Kailyn
Even though Kailyn knows Javi is currently taking his Air Force entrance exams, she calls him anyway. Nothing says "ready to serve my country" like the Marimba iPhone ring mid-test. "Hope you do well under pressure 'cause our family is counting on you," she adds for good measure.
An hour later, Javi calls all excited. "I passed!" he cries. "OMG I'm going to THROW UP," Kailyn replies, which is teen mom-speak for "I am very proud of you, congratulations of your accomplishment." Kailyn breaths a huge sigh of relief. Though they need to get married quickly before Javi heads off to boot camp for 8 weeks (they won't reap literal benefits otherwise), it's nice to be back on track ... even though she'll have to run at break-neck speed.
Friend Gigi comes over, mostly to remind us that nobody looks normal in fake colored contacts. I know in my heart of hearts that she's not a baby stripper alien, but every time her frosted eyes fix themselves on Kailyn, I get all confused. Gigi doesn't understand why Kailyn wants to rush into marriage, but Kailyn explains that if she marries Javi, he'd give her his $2000-a-month payment for her bills. I'm not totally sure why he couldn't put some pathetic ring on it and send her a check, but nobody asked my opinion. Then, Gigi asks the question that Kailyn's been avoiding since her whirlwind romance began: What about Jo? Does he have any clue that she's planning a drastic life change? Nope. Neither Jo nor Kailyn's lawyer has been informed, and that's where things could get tricky.
Even Gigi, with her limited sight (it's impossible to see out of those things ... trust me, I did some white trash eyewear explorations myself when it got trendy) and few sad, over-tanned brain cells, knows Kailyn's in for quite a fight. Hell, Jo's mom's moles alone could take a bitch down.
Finally, Kailyn bites the bullet and calls her lawyer. "There's a possibility that within six to eight months we could be stationed out of state," she explains. The lawyer informs her that she needs to file some paperwork, but that Jo could fight it. She also says there's no reason Kailyn would need to inform Jo of her plans to wed before she ties the knot. I think sometimes Kailyn forgets that Jo doesn't have custody over her, though it often feels like both of their lives are governed by each other's whims.
After dropping Isaac off with Jo (and making the decision NOT to break any big news), Kailyn brings Javi out for his special dinner. "Are you excited to move?" Javi says happily, all wide-eyed like a bath salts zombie pre-face eating. "I still want you to propose ... I crack myself up that I'm planning my wedding and I'm not even engaged," Kailyn says over a plate of ziti. Without a ring or an appointment to see dresses, there's no reason to take a carb break, after all. I love a girl who always asks herself 'What Would Paula Deen Do?'
"Teen Mom 2" airs Mondays at 10 p.m. ET on MTV.