Leah
Since Leah's overwhelmed with wedding plans, house shopping and creature tending, she must lean on a wedding planner for some help. Because she has very little money and even less class, Leah's hoping for a beach wedding that's also private. Just one problem: All the beaches are public. Not to worry, though, 'cause wedding planner Linda and her husband have created a "very special place on a pond to make it look like a beach."
The way you make a pond look like a beach is to set up a chuppah-like structure right near a pond and then use your special imagination to pretend you're at a beach. For an extra $200, they will teach your guests how to squint and pretend like the pond is a larger body of salt water. Works like a charm every time without all those pesky dreams of a perfect day or sand or ambiance.
For a special romantic touch, Linda will email Leah her wedding vows, but Leah can "personalize them" any way she wants. So you know, just switch out "Linda's husband" for "Jeremy" and "till death do us part" to "until Corey pays attention to me again."
Since the wedding's on someone else's plate, Leah and Jeremy have had more time to search for houses that look like they are about to fall apart. They find a perfect white and blue one that's just about to jump off a cliff, so they head on over to the realtor to draw up the mortgage. In her first smart move of the season, Leah asks if they can both be on the lease. Looks like someone saw the first "Sex and the City" movie!
Though Leah's moving at warp-speed, she slows down long enough to sit through Ali's yearly health assessment with her therapists. (Regrettably, there is no time to put a shirt on Aleeah.) Though Ali's doing incredibly well socially, cognitively and emotionally, her body is moving at a slower pace. She's not walking yet and her hands are still very weak -- but the therapists feel she will be upright eventually. For all Leah's faults, she gets an A+ when it comes to caring for her girls and ensuring they get everything they need. Well, except a sense of style.
After that positive news, Leah and Jeremy are dealt a setback. Because they aren't married, it's going to be harder to get a loan -- so Jeremy suggests going to the courthouse to make things legal before their wedding in June. "We've came a LONG way," Leah says happily, blissfully unaware that she still hasn't CAME to the ability to speak at a 2nd grade level.
Chelsea
Because Chelsea's worried about an upcoming exam with real, live clients who don't have mannequin heads, she decides to do some stress eating. How about some fro-yo with your chocolate and cheesecake toppings? As she noshes, fab dad Randy and his snazzy new buzz cut asks about the apartment search. There's been no real progress just yet. Thus far, all she knows is she wants a roof over her head and a freezer in which to store cartons of her feelings.
Over at Black Hills Beauty, Chelsea's informed that her first time on the floor will be with a human named Molly, and that Molly inexplicably wants an updo at 8 in the morning from an untrained stylist. "I don't know how to do an updo," she says to a fellow student who is rockin' the female version of a Brett Michaels bandana. "Take bobby pins and jam them in," female Brett Michaels says wisely. Guess every updo has its thorns, too.
After Chelsea practices how to say "Molly," she calls her client back to the salon floor. Now, even I can tell that Molly's hair is far too short to do anything beyond just stay at home and feel bad about itself. Still, Chelsea makes a valiant effort. When all is said and done, it looks like someone curled Molly's hair and let a dog chew on it before another, slightly more dexterous dog pulled it back into a crimpy ponytail. Perfect!
Because things just happen for Chelsea without her having to do them (I'm not judging, I'm jealous), she magically has a new apartment. After her friends help bring in her couch and potted sticks, her move is complete! This frees her up for more eating. Over lunch at a hibachi grill, Chelsea's hopes for a reconciliation with Adam also go up in smoke. Her friend Megan informs her that Adam has a new girlfriend, which Chelsea loves because she finally has another reason to talk about the time they randomly went to the bone zone.
"He's not going to be playing house with my kid," Chelsea says angrily. Though Adam rarely tries to see his child, he'll randomly make a lazy attempt when he needs a baby as an accessory. He treats Aubree like a puppy you get because you hear hot chicks go to a local dog park.
Speaking of Adam, he finally rides into the show in all his glory. He and an older, overweight man ominously put an envelope into Chelsea's mailbox and then bike off into the sunset like two manly guys incapable of facing a little (well, medium-sized) blonde girl. The paperwork asks a judge to move the "above docket to Minnehaha County" as Chelsea and Adam are now both residing there. It's creepy proof that Adam is watching Chelsea's every move.
Though Chelsea has her life in order and would be the only truly fit guardian for Aubree, she's noticeably shaken. Is this Adam's attempt to scare Chelsea, or does he truly want to go to court? With two DUIs under his belt and no relationship with his daughter, it'd be a cold day in hell before a judge would award him full custody ... but crazier things have happened (like, for instance, this show's existence).
Jenelle
As Jenelle's new boobies celebrate one week of glorious life, so too does her relationship with Gary. His reward for helping Jenelle heal is getting to stick around long enough to see them up close and unbandaged.
Jenelle decides to celebrate her new rack by cookin' up an equally glorious BBQ version for her mom, Jace and Mike. Ribs, fresh off the tiniest grill ever!
"I don't got no push up bra on," Jenelle says proudly. "They'ah hahd as a rohck!" is Bahhbrahh's reply. Then she does her patented laugh-so-hard-her-teeth-disappear cackle. Jenelle's chesticles are pretty magical, and since they have not fallen just yet, she can rest her chin on them. It's very handy when her head gets tired from having so many big thoughts like " .........." and "?!!???????."
Before they all tuck into their meal, Bahhbrahh asks Jenelle to please sleep over on Friday night so she can watch Jace on Saturday. Jenelle promises her that she'll be there right on time, and that Bahhbrahh won't have any trouble getting to work her weekend shift. What do we think Bahhbrahh does, loyal readers? I look forward to your suggestions in the comments. Please, keep them as mean as possible.
When Jenelle comes over, she focuses on her phone and pays Jace little attention. That's when it starts: Bahhbrahh's almost looking for any excuse to get on Jenelle's case, and the fighting is very obviously about to escalate. As Jenelle watches Jace in the bath, she calls Gary to whine about wanting to see her friends. When he's not on her side, her anger flares ... and Bahhbrahh bears the brunt of it. "I am going for 30 minutes away from YOU," Jenelle screams. "BITCH!" Bahhbrahh spits back. "It's always about Jenelle. Just leave, Jenelle," Bahhbrahh says in a voice that she usually reserves for talking about Kieffah or reefah. With that, Jace starts to cry -- and surprisingly, Bahhbrahh breaks down too. She's upset that her daughter is irresponsible, and that the child she created could be so full of venom: Especially considering all that she does for her.
This time, Bahhbrahh really did seem like she was looking for a fight ... but it would have been nice if just once, Jenelle wouldn't make it so easy to find one.
The next morning, Jenelle finds out that Gary has picked up Jace. Apparently Bahhbrahh, desperate to get to work and find a babysitter, texted Gary early in the morning -- and he actually came through. With his fatherly instincts all in tizzy, Gary even teaches him how to ride a bike!
When they drop Jace back off with Bahhbrahh, she's all smiles for Gary -- and all screams for Jenelle. As Bahhbrahh shouts that Jenelle is nothing but a pothead who is gaining weight, Gary whispers "keep it together, keep it together." Jenelle keeps her mouth shut and refuses to be provoked. Finally, she walks out without saying a word. Though Bahhbrahh and Jenelle aren't in a good place right now, at least they've got one thing in common: The hots for good ol' Gary!
Kailyn
Living with Javi hasn't been easy because he's brought more than just his manly body into their home: He also came with a big dog named Bear. That means there's two grown ups, a baby, two dogs and a cat running around and popping wherever they like. Well, I can't vouch for the grown ups, but everyone else is relieving themselves wherever they please.
As a result, the mood at Kailyn and Javi's sin shack is sour at best. Kailyn wants Javi to put the dogs out, but Javi refuses, citing a hole in the fence. "I don't care if they're a mess," he says when she laments how she just cleaned, and has friends over. Dirty or not, that's just cruel. Are you really going to keep dogs stuck up inside until their bladders (or something else awful) explode? Don't make the dogs suffer 'cause you hate your bitch. (Writer's note upon re-reading this recap the following morning: How did I not make a "Who Let the Dogs Out" joke? Shame on me.)
Before Kailyn can call PETA, pals Gigi and Remi walk in with an unidentified child. Unidentified child is not an animal lover, and she pitches a fit when the pooches come near her. They may or may not knock her over, but since she was pretty close to the ground to begin with, I'm siding with the dogs.
At this point, with kids crying and dogs bumping into everyone, Kailyn completely loses it. As she gets more and more hysterical (I'd venture to call this a 'rage blackout'), she makes less and less sense ... and that's when she crosses the line. In her fury, she grabs Javi by the face and pushes him with all her might. Now, Kailyn's many things, but a dainty girl aint one of them, so Javi really gets it good. "I HATE YOU!" she screams manically before fleeing the room. "That's why we're f****** breaking up," Javi replies.
"That's" seems to refers to the violence as something repetitive; something that has happened prior to this freak out. Since Kailyn recently admitted that she's bipolar, it wouldn't be a stretch to assume that her mood -- and temper -- fluctuated often. Perhaps this is proof that the spat she got into with Jo turned physical because she lifted her hand. There's no defending her now, and this abuse can certainly be used against Kailyn if she and Jo find themselves in court again.
Afterwards, she locks Javi in a room with her. Though we can't see their argument, they are still mic'd so we hear every painful word. "I'm sorry, I'm just so frustrated," she sobs hysterically, immediately owning up to her awful behavior. Kailyn's bawling so violently that it's hard not to feel something for her, even though she was in the wrong. Tears can't sway Javi, though, and he stoically packs his things and jogs out of the house. "We're breaking up. I hit him!" Kailyn shrieks when her shell-shocked friends try (and fail) to soothe her. Their words are empty and her fists were loaded.
As the hours pass, Kailyn gets more and more worried that Javi's gone for good. She hopes that attending anger management classes will supplement her apologies. Her very intelligent-looking friend with a pierced sternum thinks that's a great idea, so you know Kailyn's screwed.
As more time elapses, all Kailyn can do is keep changing from one sparkly shirt to another. At this point I'm measuring time not in minutes, but in glitter -- and we're reaching New Year's Eve going out top status.
Finally, Javi picks up her call and decides to come over. Kailyn apologizes yet again and brings up the classes. "Is this something you're willing to work with me through?" Kailyn asks? "As long as the love and respect is there," Javi replies sweetly.
With Isaac at Jo's for the weekend, Kailyn and Javi have some time to themselves. Since Javi's already dodged a bullet, he decides he's ready to take life into his hands again and literally swim with sharks at an aquarium. He and Kailyn suit up and hop into a tank, and I can't help but find it all hilariously ironic. Now that he's faced Kailyn's wrath, large creatures with cartilaginous skeletons aint no thang.
"Teen Mom 2" airs Mondays at 10 p.m. EST on MTV.
