The One Big Mistake People Make Celebrating Vulnerability

You see, not all vulnerability is good for you - sometimes the wise choice is to tune in mindfully, heal the painful vulnerability that is raw and get on more solid ground before making the big, bold move.
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Like many of my clients, I love Brene Brown's work. She's written several great books about how vulnerability is an asset in life - not a weakness. But if you listen to her message superficially, you might make the mistake of thinking her advice is to immediately drop everything and run out into the street naked, screaming your message - whatever it is - from the rooftops. Because being courageous enough to show your vulnerability is good for you.

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Why could this be a mistake?

You may not have developed the resilience to do that yet. It could de-rail you, sending you retreating further away from the wholehearted and connected living your were aiming for. Daring greatly requires a level of inner strength, a feeling that you can weather the storm if it doesn't go your way - and this is one reason why you might feel the hesitation in the first place - it is a sense of scarcity that's a signal to take a breath and consider what you need and what you have in your backpack to resource you for the life you want - you may move forward or you may regroup before leaping out there.

This is usually a great relief to clients who are trying hard to be the best version of themselves and interpret the message as - "I know you don't feel great, but feel the fear and do it anyway!" And yet they feel that they have already reached their limit and just want to be let off the hook and rest for a moment.

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You see, not all vulnerability is good for you - sometimes the wise choice is to tune in mindfully, heal the painful vulnerability that is raw and get on more solid ground before making the big, bold move.

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Think of it like hiking - there is no way you would set off on a three day hike with an empty backpack and no experience. Why would you resource yourself any less for having the best of this "one precious life" we have?

This is not avoidance, this is wisdom. When is it ever wise to take on a big challenge when you are stressed, depleted, exhausted or overwhelmed? We need to heal our wounds and reduce unhelpful vulnerability so that it doesn't feel like opening a trap door to hell every time we dare to take a step forward

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It's not your fault

Let me quickly give you some examples - but first - a NEWSFLASH: it's not your fault!

Our brain has a massive threat detector and in built negativity bias and when left untrained, it can feel unsafe to take risks a lot of the time.

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It's also SO understandable in our busy culture of high pressure to achieve that we feel guilty that we DON'T get out into the arena more often - that's what our culture seems to value - high profile risk taking. The interesting thing is, all growth and connection occurs in the soothed zone - and we need to be able to find stillness and calm not just courage, in order to connect and grow. Stress and creativity are not close friends because the kind of open and expansive thinking that creativity births is the opposite of a brain under threat.

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So a few examples:

1: THE VULNERABILITY OF THE UNTRAINED MIND - what does your brain do while you are sleeping? Or while you are at rest and not focused on a particular goal? This state is known as the default state and it has a real negativity bias - it is searching for what is wrong - for problems - both now and in the future.

When the default state is activated too much, which is what happens in the untrained mind, it's a risk factor for a whole range of different problems like anxiety, depression reduced performance in terms of work, study and learning at school and overall lower psychological well-being. With the uncontrolled stress of modern life, this in-built vulnerability runs riot but it can be healed and when we train our brains and learn how to manage stress effectively we can prevent its' devastating effects on our bodies, minds and communities. The miracles of positive neuroplasticity means you can change your brain for the better.

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2: THE VULNERABILITY OF OUR SUPPORT NETWORK - Isolation, while often our automatic response to distress or feelings of inadequacy, is not always good for us. Social connection supports us in so many ways - not just the obvious ones. It is one of our most important resources for well-being. People with low social connection (those with fewer people they want to connect with) experience more anxiety, depression, and higher inflammation and a shorter life than smokers and those with obesity or heart disease. Someone who has been outspoken on the need for connection, also a recent guest on Mindfulness 4 Mothers, is Emma Seppala. She outlines all the ways a lack of connection leaves you vulnerable to stress, ill health and loneliness but how many of us live any of this every day inside the privacy of our own homes?

If you feel highly connected to those around you, you will live longer, recover faster from illness, have greater well-being and better physical health and immunity. And it fills us back up again to connect to others! We are social creatures and we come alive around those we love and who care for us. They offer tangible support and a sense of belonging and togetherness. And they give us the opportunity to transcend immediate self-gratification and connect us to something larger than ourselves.

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3: THE VULNERABILITY OF OUR CHILDHOOD - As children we all needed safety, soothing, and to be "seen" by our parents to grow up with an underlying sense that the world was a safe place to be. Mindful and Responsive Parenting provides those needs for children. But what if our own parents for whatever reason, were not able to meet these needs? Decades of child development research accounts for the often devastating effects of childhood trauma and neglect. The psychological vulnerabilities and broken lives it leaves in its wake. When we are frightened or feel alone, we cannot grow or heal or connect or make our wisest choices. We feel stuck and defensive, certain that danger could be just around the corner. If this was our experience in any small or large way, then we need to heal these vulnerabilities. It is wise to avoid over-loading a fragile psyche before the foundation is restored.

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4: THE VULNERABILITY OF OUR PARENTING ROLE - Parenting is more demanding than just about any other role. As our own guest Rick Hanson so eloquently outlines in our interview for Mindfulness 4 Mothers: parenting has many known stress factors built into it's very nature: Frequent interruptions, lack of control over the agenda, constantly switching tasks, unable to complete things, never getting through the "list of things to do", emotional outbursts, sickness, no holidays.....all when you are sleep deprived and have no time to yourself. Exhausting. And many of the mothers I work with are overwhelmed by too much to do, depleted, burnout and emotionally triggered. This makes us vulnerable to post natal depression, anxiety, ill health and the reactivity in which we are more likely to say and do things we regret.

As parents, how we were parented and our own ability to regulate strong emotions can leave us vulnerable to being triggered by our children's inevitably challenging behaviour and emotional outbursts. For our own sake and the sake of our children, we need to prioritise our self care and heal these vulnerabilities. Possibly the greatest predictor of outcomes for children is the level of well-being of their mother.

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5: THE VULNERABILITY OF OUR EMOTIONAL HABITS - Habits like self criticism, worry, poor emotional regulation, rumination and self consciousness can leave us feeling overwhelmed and burnt out - exhausted by our own habitually busy mind - I go into more depth in my online program BUT.....these are all habits that our default mode network and the way our brain is designed - leads us to if we do not get back into the drivers seat and develop healthier options.

And the good news is that one things we know for a fact, based on the latest neuroscience is that WELL-BEING IS A SKILL. The brain is plastic and you can heal negative vulnerability and rewire it for greater happiness.

We can all fall back in love with our lives again - be who we are and love who we are, open and receptive to all the possibilities that wholehearted living offers.

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Of course, resilience is developed not only by resourcing ourselves with these healing and life affirming skills but also by taking risks - by being vulnerable - and healing the hurts and disappointments as well as experiencing the joys of successes.

But not all growth opportunities need involve high levels of risk - and can be healing at the same time: finding meaning in one's life, expressing gratitude and extending kindness to self and others to name a few. All these qualities, like mindfulness and self compassion, remain latent unless we make an effort to develop them. Like any skill, developing well-being takes practice.

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It is often said that the number top regrets of the dying are that they lacked the courage to live a life true to themselves, that they had played it safe and not shared their feelings and connected more to those around them. These vulnerabilities that get in the way of wholehearted living are worth healing. Are you ready?

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