The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Crazy that I’m the only one at this bar with a glass of champagne AND a Tupperware full of chicken pot pie left overs. How often does that happen?— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 10, 2018
my beautiful dark twisted pending transactions— t (@radioheadass) December 9, 2018
if I’m not married in the next 5 years I’m gonna make a wedding registry for me and my dog— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) December 10, 2018
I have exactly ONE (1) opening for a new friend in 2019. Requirements include: eating as fast as me— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) December 13, 2018
People keep asking me what I want for Christmas and I’m like, “Honestly, just hit up the gourmet cheese section in the deli and go wild.”— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 13, 2018
weird how there aren’t any christmas songs about paying all those christmas bills in january— Ziwe (@ziwe) December 13, 2018
Welcome to your 40s, you’re too tired to go on an adventure of a lifetime now.— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) December 12, 2018
not trying to brag or anything but i can wake up without an alarm clock now simply due to my crippling and overwhelming anxiety, so— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) December 12, 2018
5 stages of going to Target:— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) December 10, 2018
-wow, 3 bucks for cute socks!
-oh cool I just spent $600
wow wow wow just witnessed a tween yell at another tween “IF YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ME YOU HAVE TO TELL ME! I DESERVE TO KNOW!” and this is the energy I’m taking into 2019. God bless the Brooklyn tweens— Aminatou Sow (@aminatou) December 13, 2018
I'm ready to go home now.— Cats Against Humanity (@CatsVsHumanity) December 12, 2018
- me, 5 mins into anything
Age 7: I hope Santa brings me a bike, toys, and candy!— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) December 13, 2018
Age 37: I new spatula would be great. Maybe some printer ink, or even an avocado or two.
I'm thinking about Kate McKinnon 90% of the time.— Maureen Johnson (@maureenjohnson) December 13, 2018
recipe: 2 cloves of garlic— nicole tersigni (@nicsigni) December 12, 2018
me: got it pic.twitter.com/imUsstSnGt
Shame and secrets are corrosive to the soul. So fine, yes, I have listened to that album where college acapella choirs sing Ben Folds songs many times. MANY times.— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) December 11, 2018
According to every Christmas movie, Santa literally won’t (CAN’T!) do his job unless enough people believe in him and tbh I strive for that level of confidence with my self care.— madds (@whatmaddness) December 13, 2018
when oysters get stuck in traffic they call it a pearl jam ok have a merry christmas, everyone— kim christmas (@KimmyMonte) December 10, 2018
A group of mediocre guys is called an improv show— Not Sara (@smithsara79) December 10, 2018
Setting your Netflix show up 5 mins before your food is gonna be delivered >>>. Peak organisational skills. Ready to start a family— bolu babalola (@BeeBabs) December 14, 2018
“How should I dress for this holiday party?” I ask.— batkaren (@batkaren) December 12, 2018
“Casual how?” I ask. “Like…do they have seasonal lights up?”
“Ugly x-mas sweater it is.”
“A single white candle in each window.”
“Cream cashmere top with a delicate gold cross necklace it is,” I say.