The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
next time a guy asks me if i've watched "the wire" i'm gonna lie n say yes & then immediately demand if he's seen "broad city"— caitlin white (@harmonicait) September 4, 2017
I really hate when ppl switch their profiles between public and private. Either let me creep on you or dont. Stop playing mind games with me— Astrid Loch (@astrid_loch) September 1, 2017
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 8, 2017
When someone says, "aww you look so tired" and you've had 9 hours of sleep. pic.twitter.com/islXIbxVf0— Issa Rae (@IssaRae) September 6, 2017
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn't at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 6, 2017
No one ever mentioned that the rapture would last this long.— Kashana (@kashanacauley) September 6, 2017
The true cultural divide:— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) September 6, 2017
My Red State Dad: "Well but nobody likes the Dixie Chicks..."
Me, shook: "EVERYBODY likes The Dixie Chicks."
My favorite position is hovering over the sink eating a bag of shredded cheese— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) September 1, 2017
MY SISTER TEACHES CELLO— Marian Call (@mariancall) September 6, 2017
SHE REPORTS THAT HER NEW STUDENTS CALL SHARPS “HASHTAGS”
CONCERTO IN F HASHTAG
I need a massage and 16 million dollars.— Draya Michele (@drayamichele) September 6, 2017
Sext: My purse is full of tacos pic.twitter.com/vs97RFpHRG— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) September 7, 2017
[tries to do something basic with a google product]— wikipedia brown (@eveewing) September 6, 2017
[finds forum of 7 years of people with the same unresolved problem]
house hunting shows are more effective at calming a panic attack than xanax. i am soothed by other people's terrible choices.— Stephanie Marcus (@stephaniemarcus) September 8, 2017
Nursery rhymes are to poetry what pop songs are to music. They make no sense, they're super catchy, and only kids like them.— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 8, 2017
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they've just committed murder.— Julz&©offee (@lovejulieacafe) September 1, 2017
I juggled my phone when I stumbled, and I think I took a Facebook poll, posted to Snapchat and bought a 50lb bag of quinoa on Amazon.— juicymorsel (@juicymorsel) September 8, 2017
every morning i wake up in a cold sweat, webmd says i suffer from the trump administration— Ziwe (@ziwe) September 6, 2017
Technically millennials did predict that our parents joining Facebook would be the end of the world— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) September 7, 2017
COWORKER: there's free beer— move your feet katie (@katefeetie) September 7, 2017
ME: ever see a sad lady get drunk at 3 on a Thursday?
ME: [cracks knuckles] you're in for a treat
if I order salad it should come chopped, I already did all of the hard work of ordering a salad and should not be expected to do more— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 8, 2017