The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
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to keep things balanced i like to go back and forth between giving myself way too much credit or none at all
— cardi t (@radioheadass) January 8, 2018
If I haven’t had my 32 cups of raw screams for breakfast, I’m just no good to anyone in the mornings.
— madds (@whatmaddness) January 8, 2018
In 2018 I am doubling down on telling a man to calm down at least once a day.
— Tressie Mc (@tressiemcphd) January 8, 2018
just finished the holiday box of ferrero rocher, am thirteen percent hazelnut
— deaux (@dstfelix) January 10, 2018
I'M BAKING BREAD PUDDING FOR DINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pic.twitter.com/Qr4VNyVaoF
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) January 8, 2018
Titles I‘d fully believe were British TV shows:
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) January 9, 2018
Beamish and Quigley
The Quite Corking Quiz Show
Shan’t We Tell the Vicar?
A Bee’s As Good As A Bonnet
Up Your Arse, Alistair!
That Isn’t How We Do It in Lincolnshire, That Isn’t How We Do It At All
Just Joanna Lumley
*chef’s kiss* pic.twitter.com/E5HCwsoibJ
— Angela Hanks (@AngelaHanks) January 9, 2018
Ok sure English is a pretty easy language to learn but then you get to the pronunciation of a word like "colonel" and it's like oh y'all were high for this one
— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) January 10, 2018
Good evening. If you’re feeling the same way I am about the state of our country, I recommend an enormous pile of buttered noodles, two glasses of wine, and petting your pets. Sincerely, an actual doctor.
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) January 12, 2018
Just finished an article link I bookmarked in 2005, and uh yeah, I have some questions
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 5, 2018
Me [whispers]: hello my precious
— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) January 9, 2018
Boyfriend: who are you talking to
Me: my pierogis
I need more friends in this city who I can cook for, then hang out with on my couch while we don't speak to each other, and refuse to wear bras.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) January 11, 2018
I just lasted 7 seconds into making a tiny clay hamburger before quitting
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) January 9, 2018
everyone in LA saw a double rainbow but tonight i saw a woman vomit all over the subway after being stuck on the A train for over an hour and let me tell you THAT was a sight to see!!
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) January 10, 2018
everybody dies order the fucking dessert
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) January 10, 2018
I just got an extra 10 minutes of resistance training trying to take off my sports bra.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 12, 2018
Next time you answer your phone, I dare you to say:
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) January 7, 2018
Hello?
I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl who looked good. I would call her. I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat, a 6 4 Impala. I wish I was like 6ft 9 so I could get with Leoshi
me listening to melodrama for the 10,000th time. pic.twitter.com/YQ9QFjMlzT
— Melissa Radzimski (@melissaradz) January 9, 2018
My favorite thing about winter is that I can blame everything wrong with my body and mood on the cold dry air and the moon.
— A.B. (@AlannaBennett) January 10, 2018
me, every morning: coffee remains the one true good
— Jen Doll (@thisisjendoll) January 11, 2018
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