The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Dress for the emotional support peacock job you want.— Kashana (@kashanacauley) February 1, 2018
I'm capable of remembering about 10 people's names and 6 of those people are dogs I follow on Instagram.— Pjörk 🐷 (@NicoleConlan) February 1, 2018
I gave myself a ritual salt bath tonight and was distracted by the smell of my neighbor’s fried chicken it’s so hard being a witch— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 31, 2018
It’s not an intense investigative podcast about a gruesome murder until it’s interrupted by an ad for Blue Apron.— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) January 31, 2018
me drinking piss coffee: who gives a shit. it's coffee. i don't give any shits so long as i'm caffeinated— tara shoe (@tarashoe) January 31, 2018
me drinking french pressed coffee: (distant gaze) san francisco, 1972. an unusually clear spring day and there's an undeniable electricity in the air.
Me waiting for my favorite astrologers to post my February horoscope pic.twitter.com/ubKxqox4H8— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) February 1, 2018
[operator]: 9-1-1 what's your emergency— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) February 2, 2018
[me, breathless]: HI I DON T WANT TO SOUND ALARMED BUT I JUST SAW TWO MEN WEARING SHORTS IN 25 DEGREE WEATHER HOW DO I PROCEED? CITIZEN'S ARREST?
me very carefully following the minor drama of complete strangers: wow, they should get a life— Jessica Roy (@JessicaKRoy) January 30, 2018
copywriting question when it comes to typing "Meryl Streep" do we do italics, question marks, or a conspicuous font change so everyone reads it in a special voice?— alexis nedd (@alexisthenedd) February 1, 2018
Starting to realize that local Chuck E. Cheese my parents told me burned down probably didn't burn down.— Maggie Serota (@maggieserota) February 1, 2018
My dad just called me to laugh about this time when I was a kid and he sent me into a gas station to get snacks but had to come get me cause I’d started arguing with the guy at the cash register about overcharging me but really I just didn’t understand tax yet— Shakira (@jodecicry) January 31, 2018
*someone slightly side-eyes me at the grocery store as I'm checking out with 20 bags of whole grain rice*— maura "jack and biz must be nazis" quint (@behindyourback) February 2, 2018
Me: and....you're muted on Twitter
Walk with me Lord as I attempt to go to Trader Joe's on a Saturday.— king crissle (@crissles) January 27, 2018
I wish they had a Puppy Bowl equivalent for the State of the Union.— (((𝕺𝖍𝕹𝖔𝕾𝖍𝖊𝕿𝖜𝖎𝖙𝖓𝖙))) (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 1, 2018
in my head i just invented “live podcasts” and quickly realized that’s...the radio— marisa kabas (@MarisaKabas) February 1, 2018
me every time i remember im doing whole30 this month pic.twitter.com/q5LPGC9OzJ— Hannah Giorgis (@ethiopienne) January 26, 2018
SO MUCH of my self-care advice is “get drunk and watch Independence Day.”— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) February 2, 2018
lord grant me the confidence of a man who did stand up once— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) January 29, 2018
It’s 2018. Text Me By Your Name.— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 2, 2018
True Life: I ate too many baos and now I am one— Jenna Amatulli (@ohheyjenna) January 31, 2018