COMEDY
01/13/2017 06:16 pm ET

We've Identified The 7 Horcruxes Needed To Vanquish Donald Trump

Accio impeachment!
HuffPost Illustration

It’s nearly Inauguration Day, and then Donald Trump’s reign of darkness will officially begin. But there is hope. Over the course of his life, the president-elect has carefully hidden pieces of his spiritual being within artifacts that have held special meaning to the dark lord.

Now for the good news. After aggressive research by our spirit dimension reporters, we believe we’ve identified these seven artifacts.

If these horcruxes are destroyed, he will no longer have an anchor to this world, and he will vanish into the ether. And then we can all unfollow his Twitter account.

  • The Head Of the University of Pennsylvania Mascot, The Quaker
    At Donald Trump's alma mater, the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania, a concentration of his ego is
    Mitchell Layton via Getty Images
    At Donald Trump's alma mater, the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania, a concentration of his ego is collected in the giant head of the university mascot, the Quaker.
  • The Mini Mercedes Of Barron Trump
    It's been reported that Donald Trump's youngest child, Barron, has an entire floor of Trump Tower to himself. And within the halls of his domain is a mini Mercedes, conjured by the elder Trump. In this artifact, it's said that Donald Trump poured his powers of wealth and materialism.
  • The Chair Of "The Apprentice"
    A throne of dark power, the original chair from Donald Trump's show "The Apprentice" has not been seen in ages. Hidden within
    Mathew Imaging via Getty Images
    A throne of dark power, the original chair from Donald Trump's show "The Apprentice" has not been seen in ages. Hidden within this cushioned abyss is the spirit of Trump's legacy, tainted and bitter.
  • The Birth Certificate Of President Barack Obama
    In this artifact, Donald Trump stores his power of embellishment, which he uses only to create chaos and benefit himself.
    Brendan Smialowski via Getty Images
    In this artifact, Donald Trump stores his power of embellishment, which he uses only to create chaos and benefit himself.
  • The Hair Of Donald J. Trump
    Donald Trump's hair remains a peculiar and largely unexplained entity. Tied directly to this artifact is the spirit of h
    Christopher Furlong via Getty Images
    Donald Trump's hair remains a peculiar and largely unexplained entity. Tied directly to this artifact is the spirit of his vanity. It is said to be not of this Earth.
  • The Private Server Of Hillary Clinton
    Within Hillary Clinton's private server is stored more than just emails. Stocked inside its metal chassis, forged in the fire
    CostinT via Getty Images
    Within Hillary Clinton's private server is stored more than just emails. Stocked inside its metal chassis, forged in the fires of Microsoft, is the essence of Trump's unknown. Evil hidden from the world of daylight, locked away to fester in the darkness, waiting to be unleashed on humanity.
  • The Twitter Account Of Donald J. Trump
    Donald Trump's Twitter account is perhaps the most powerful and dangerous artifact. Within its 140-character-limit text box i
    realDonaldTrump
    Donald Trump's Twitter account is perhaps the most powerful and dangerous artifact. Within its 140-character-limit text box is contained the mogul's malice. Warped and twisted, his account must be destroyed if the man himself is to be silenced.
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