"The Art of War" Kicks the Ass of "The Art of Love"

Allow Yourself To Be Conquered. And when you get shaky in the middle of a conversation, great! Most young ladies will walk over their own grandmothers to find a man who will listen to them.
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The greatest book about the battle of the sexes is not Ovid's The Art of Love -- though that is a seriously huge kick. No, the greatest book about love is the Art of War by the Chinese general Sun Tzu. So gather round, my rogues. Lift your martinis and let us toast the heart-stomping tactics presented 2,600 years ago by old Sunny Tzu.

Sun Tzu says: Attack by Stratagem

Dear E. Jean, Whenever I meet a girl I don't know, I suffer from truly spectacular social awkwardness. It's difficult for me to function at any level, including breathing. The result: I'm forty, and I've never had a girlfriend. Never even come close. I've gone out on three dates in my life -- each one a disaster. It didn't help that I lived at home into my mid-thirties, way too long, I now realize. I'm trying to change my life. I've moved out, bought a house, and have been working hard to overcome my shyness. I've begun having conversations with people I don't know well. To my immense relief I'm getting better with practice.

So the question is, now that I'm working up the courage to begin dating, how and when do I tell someone about my odd case history without throwing them for a loop, or appearing to be way too peculiar and turning them off completely? Yes, I'm also worried that I'll make every other dating faux pas in the book, but one problem at a time. (Please, please, please no "40-year-old Virgin" jokes.) --Self-Conscious Enough As It Is.

Dear Self-Conscious, I beg your pardon. Did you say...three? Only three disasters, sir? Hell, there are hundreds of social catastrophes for you to enjoy. Get ready. Here's your Not For Panty-waists Sun Tzu Battle Chart:

1. Lay Plans: Go to your local church and sign an "abstinence pledge." Statistics show you will lose your virginity within seconds after leaving the building.

2. Know Your Weak Points: Don't date. It will kill your social life.

3. Vary Your Tactics: Instead, go to meetup.com. It's genius! Scroll through the dozens of inspiring, eggheady, wild, world-bettering get-togethers in your area and choose a group that you like. (Yes, there are "Virgins" meetups, not to mention the "Beltway Atheists." And if you don't join a group that is at least half women, I'm going to come to your town and hold a meetup called "Bang Jim.") Then all you have to do is show up. Shake hands. Share a beer. No pressure. Make friends of all ages and both sexes.

4. Wage the PR War: Your story: Single guy, a bit shy, good job, owns his own home, no baggage.

5. Allow Yourself To Be Conquered. And when you get effed-up and shaky in the middle of a conversation -- excellent! Most young ladies will walk over their own grandmothers to find a man who will listen to them. (Sun Tzu says the warrior who "gathers the highest intelligence" achieves the "greatest results.") So don't worry. Wear something handsome, look her in the eye, ask a question, listen, throw out a compliment, ask another question, and in a few weeks you'll be poking like blazes! Good luck!

Read more Ask E. Jean. To write your own advice column (which is way more fun than reading this one) check out askejean.com
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