I sang a duet today with the actress/singer Louise Pitre. Okay, it wasn't actually a duet, Louise and I sang side by side along with 600 other people today at the Metropolitan Community Church Toronto Easter service. Together we sang my two favorite hymns, "Peace Like a River" and "Amazing Grace" and it was actually amazing.
This morning I woke up feeling fractured and fragile due to a loss of heart-wrenching proportions, which added to my already bottomless pit of sadness at being left once again -- as Gilbert O'Sullivan sang: "Alone Again, Naturally."
But it was a sunny day, and just maybe going to church would make me feel better, even though I would have to go alone due to my passive aggressive ex-partner's last minute parry. Perhaps, I could try to make my way to Simpson Street to pray.
As I was driving down to church, I called (hands-free, of course!) my friend Nelson, hoping for some of his zen-ness to rub off on me. I was sharing with Nelson the dearth of kindness I have been feeling in my life lately. Nelson said "Katharine, if you want kindness to find you, you must be kind." Simple words, but for some reason they resonated with me today.
I have always responded to the lack of kindness and generosity generated by my family by acting the same way in return. My sister is mean to me? I will be mean right back at her, and put at little more oomph in it, because that's just how I roll. Now I can see my responses created short term gains and long term losses. I can not afford to be that person anymore. I need to be kindness and let kindness pop out of me like movie popcorn does at the movie theatre concession.
Due to my dallying, I got to church quite late and could not find parking. I drove around in circles five or six times looking for a spot, thinking that perhaps that this was a sign that I should just call it a day and go home; or more truthfully, go to my friend McDonalds, because nothing says pitiful more than eating chicken Mcnuggets on Easter Sunday.
Somehow I found a semi legal parking spot and slowly walked the seventeen blocks back to the church. I got there way into the service and was just going to sit in one of the chairs in the back when one of the church helpers told me that there was a seat down near the band, which is how I happened to sit next to the lovely Louise.
As karma would have it, Brent talked about the same subject that Nelson had shared with me. Brent said "So many people are always looking outside themselves for love, searching searching searching for love but not realizing that the way to love is being love." Hmmm, I am a big believer in signs and this one was a big yellow neon one, pointing the fickle finger of fate back at me. I must stop searching for someone to love me, and extend myself to others in love.
Corinthians 13:4-7 --
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
