The One Where We Went to the Grocery Store

11/18/2017 09:32 pm ET

Oh God. Here goes nothing.

Should I try to bring this coffee in? Two arms, three kids. Something about that math doesn't sound like it works... but math has never been my strength.

Coffee it is.

Ok, then get out of the seat yourself. Seriously kid, can we please get out of the car sometime today? Ok, this is ridiculous, now I'm just getting you out.

Great. Screaming kid before we even walk in the doors.

Okay, all little bodies in the cart. Oh my God, WHY do you two always want the same spot??

Yup buddy, there's a Paw Patrol towel. Nope, we're not getting it.

Did you really just ask if we are done yet?

Sit down in the cart, please.

How do they not have size 4 diapers? Seriously, how is that possible? Oh, there's some. Ok, let me just climb up the shelves right here to get them.

Yeah, buddy, I see the Paw Patrol pajamas. Nope, not getting them.

Sit down in the cart, please.

You want to get out and walk? Ok but I swear you better keep your cute little tush right next to this damn cart.

Sit down in the cart, please.

Dude, just pick out what yogurt you want. It's not like you're picking out Pokémon cards. It's yogurt.

JUST PICK ONE.

Get back here next to this cart!

Sit down in the cart, PLEASE!

Yes, I see the Paw Patrol fruit snacks! Yeah, we can get them. No. We can't open them yet.

Let go of the box. Let. Go. Of. The. Box. How the hell is he so strong? He's like, barely 2.

Why is everyone staring? Have they never heard a child cry before?

Ok, just take the damn fruit snacks. Oh good lord. Everyone just take some fruit snacks. Mama will just be arrested for shop lifting and y'all will have to walk home.

You have to pee? Like right now? Can you hold it?

Oh shit.

Ok, we're going to the potty. I didn't bring any extra clothes so you gotta hold it girlfriend.

Run. Run! Dude keep up with me, your sister is about to piss herself!

Holy hell, we made it. How do you have that much urine in you? Your bladder is tiny, where do you even store it all?!

Omg don't touch that.

Or that.

OR THAT.

Ok crisis adverted. I think I missed some things on my list. Wait, where is my list? Did you delete my list? Just forget it. We're too close to the check out to backtrack anyway.

For the love-of-all-things-holy, why are there only 3 registers open? You're the biggest superstore chain in the nation... how do you only have 3 registers open?!

No, you can't have that Snickers.

Or that pop.

Or that gum.

Yeah bud, Paw Patrol balloon. Pretty cool. No, you can't have it.

Okay guys, seriously, put everything back. Please? Please or I'm gonna rip it out of your pretty little hand... 1... 2... two and a half... thr... oh thank God, she put it back.

Hey, where's my card? I swear it was just here... oh, you sly little bugger, how did you get a hold of that?

Here, give it to mama. Ok, ok, relax. You wanna help me swipe it? Ok, here swipe it! Ok, here, try again like this. You gotta turn the card like this. Dude, let me turn your hand so it will work... Omg, here give me the damn card and just let me do it.

Okay, do I have everyone? Can we get out of here?

Where are my car keys?

Where is my phone?

And where the f%$# did I put my coffee?

Originally posted at www.outofthenutshell.com:

This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
CONVERSATIONS