02/12/2009 05:12 am ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

The Simplificator: Analog or Digital - At Last There Is No Choice

This entry marks the first installment of my long awaited series, The Simplificator, offering easily parroted explanations of the technologies that rule our daily lives.

On February 17, 2009, for some reason, all broadcast television programs originating within the U.S. will be sent digitally, replacing the old analog method. For the dozens of remote mountaintop dwellers dependent on broadcast television, questions abound. What is analog television? Once it is gone, what was it? What was it analogous to? Is digital transmission as dangerous as we have heard? Will protective clothing be required? Are the risks worth it?

The following descriptions of these two highly controversial transmission technologies are here offered in an effort to enlighten that portion of public who will be affected by this long awaited chicanery. This information is supplied in the hope that those impacted by the switch will be able to participate intelligently in a class action suit against the government which, if successful, would allow them to afford cable.

An analog broadcast begins when the subject, known as an "ana," is placed in front of the television camera.
-The intense heat of the camera lights evaporates an image of the ana into a kind of colored mist. (As with faxing, a small part of the subject is lost each time this is repeated.)
-This vapor consists of hundreds of tiny picture granules or "picules." These photonic particles are then propelled across the sky by giant electro-mechanical fans or "transmitters" to every home with a t.v. antenna.
-The antennas carry a strong neutral charge, attracting the lumitrinos to it like women 18 to 49 converging on a movie with the word "wedding" in the title. They then travel down the antenna wire, like ants traveling down a wire, to the television set.
-There they re-assemble, in a process akin to the making of milk from powdered chalk and water, forming moving images of our favorite film and internet cartoon animals.

Digital television operates by a wholly different and morally superior method.
-The process originates with the manufacture of digitalis, a plant-derived chemical used to treat heart problems. (It is for this reason that digital television will first appear in cardiac wards.)
-All elements to be telephotized are rubbed with a paste of digitalis and static momentum.
-The camera, a modified 88 mm German rail gun, is aimed and fired at the target.
-The target is destroyed.
-Electromagnetic waves emanating from the blast zone carry the soul or "image" of the target across the ethereal plane to t.v.s oriented along pre-arranged meridians of force at the pre-arranged time. (Check local listings)
-A picture clearer and more detailed than reality is deposited upon the digital screen like ocean waves sweeping across two young lovers with a 16:9 aspect ratio.