I am signed up for Donald Trump's email list.
The truth is, I'm not a supporter, I'm just curious. I see it the same way I would about me putting on a bra: I don't need to, but I feel it's important to experience.
But Donald Trump's campaign emails have taken on the tone of an annoying coworker who doesn't have enough to do, so they're repeatedly "following up" and "circling back."
We get it, you're living a lie. And you need to appear busy with pointless activities because you have no idea what you're doing otherwise.
The following emails are real.
I receive this email from Trump's son, Eric, on behalf of the Trump campaign. The subject line is like any other campaign email, entitled "They Say We're Lying."
"Blah, blah, help my daddy, he needs money."
The campaign dials it up, having Donald Trump, Jr. -- friend to animal carcasses everywhere -- forward the same email from the day before, asking me if I had received it. Wut?
Subject line: FWD: Did you see Eric's email?
UGH, punching all the faces with all the fists carrying all the knives covered in all the salt. That is what it feels like.
Chief Trump strategist (and rejected "Game of Thrones" character) Paul Manafort gave it a whirl.
He begins, "We're busy at Trump campaign headquarters this afternoon, so I'll get right to the point."
You're busy? Dude, YOU emailed ME.
Just like a co-worker who schedules a meeting and is the only one who can't attend.
@hat sort of email adventure would it be without word from the man himself, Papa Trump?
Subject line: I haven't heard from you Andy
Leave it to Big Daddy to get a little snippy.
"Hey, Andy, just circling back on my son Eric's email from a few days ago. Never heard back from you. Would really be great if you could let us know."
But this is not just an email asking for donations. Donald Trump needs donations ...
RIGHT. F**KING. NOW.
IMMEDIATELY? So basically, here are my options:
- CONTRIBUTE $20 IMMEDIATELY, MORON!
- CONTRIBUTE $35 IMMEDIATELY, A**HOLE!
- CONTRIBUTE $50 IMMEDIATELY, S**THEAD!
- CONTRIBUTE $100 IMMEDIATELY, MOTHERF**KER
With his highlights and all-caps and bolded sentences, Trump's campaign emails have become that passive-aggressive coworker who tries to hide their true feelings behind a fake smile.
Trump, you're not fooling anyone, and no one likes you.