After the honeymoon period has come and gone, it might seem as though marriage has lost some of its luster. But if you look closely enough, you’ll find that even the mundane parts can be pretty darn amusing.
Below, we’ve gathered 27 tweets that hilariously capture the essence of married life.
Husband: are you cooking something?
— the tanya (@atanya1111) June 19, 2013
Me: of course not
Husband: the oven timer just went off
Me: oh yeah, take the wine out of the freezer
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun "just in case."
— Dan (@Social_Mime) July 5, 2017
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) October 28, 2017
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 8, 2017
me: Yes
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
— brent (@murrman5) October 24, 2017
Wife: *points to a high shelf* Can you reach that for me?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 8, 2017
Me: You need me in your life after all.
Wife: I could replace you with a step ladder.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) November 5, 2017
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
— Kate Sidley (@sidleykate) October 21, 2017
Judge: And the grounds for divorce?
— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) October 30, 2017
Lawyer: Irreconcil—
Wife: HE BINGE WATCHED STRANGER THINGS WITHOUT ME
Judge: Divorce granted.
Marriage is where you learn you have stronger feelings about the upholstery color of a new couch than is reasonable.
— El Chalupacabra (@Uncul_Scientist) May 6, 2017
Dear Abby,
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) October 5, 2017
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
If you like long drives back to the grocery store because the tomatoes you got weren’t organic, marriage might be for you
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 7, 2017
My husband bought off-brand toilet paper, and it's just sad I never knew I was living with a psycho until now.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) November 8, 2017
Wife: Where are you going?
— Son of Dad (@Steven37366100) October 20, 2017
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
My wife brought home low sodium bacon and now I understand what it means when someone says they love you but they aren't IN LOVE with you.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 25, 2017
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
— Stacey (@skittle624) November 2, 2017
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 18, 2017
Wife: Baby do that thing I like
— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) November 6, 2017
Me: *vacums the house*
Marriage is equal parts "I would die without you" and "For the love of God, do you have to sneeze like that?"
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 26, 2017
Get married so you can have a conversation with your husband when you think he’s listening but he’s actually wearing hidden earbuds.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) October 18, 2017
My favorite position for my husband in bed? On his side so he doesn’t snore.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 3, 2017
My husband just walked into the bedroom with a Reese’s peanut butter cup in hand.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 2, 2017
This is love.
Just binge-watched my wife tell me everything I have to do this weekend.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) October 27, 2017
Relationship status: My husband was more interested in the cost of the lingerie I got today instead of its purpose.
— Winosaurus Mom 🍷🍗 (@winosaurusmom) October 31, 2017
*married driving
— Jersey (@better_off_dad) November 2, 2017
Her: You should take this exit.
Me: I get to keep the dog.
Grocery store is giving out wine and beer samples so the wife and I rented a movie on our iPad and are chilling for the night in aisle 18.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) November 4, 2017
Wife: *looks intently at my face*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2017
Me: Oh, no. Please don’t.
Wife: *starts plucking my eyebrows*
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