07/30/2015 07:32 am ET

5 First-World Problems That Annoy People Anyway

Sure we all know these aren't real problems.
Fox Photos via Getty Images

Sure, call them first-world problems. We realize that these things are nothing compared to the real issues people face. That said, lately we've been getting our knickers in a knot over:

1. Why the opening credits of OITNB have to be so long.

Breaking Bad's opening credits were short and sweet and frankly, more clever when they incorporated all those chemistry symbols into the cast names. Mind you, we love both shows, but honestly, we could take a nap waiting for OITNB to finish rolling its credits.


2. All this nonsense about young people dying their hair gray.

When did gray hair become a statement of youth? There's something that feels mocking when young women color their hair gray while so many of us who came by our gray naturally do everything in our power to erase it. To each his own and all that. But gray hair isn't something everyone can pull off. Don't judge those of us who keep L'Oreal in business.


3. All those studies about longevity.

Just remember, a study a day keeps nothing away. We are drowning in an abundance of studies, all focused on longevity. We measure everything against whether it will help us live longer. Walking five miles a day, drinking red wine, whether we do crossword puzzles -- the study list is endless. While extending your existence is an interesting thought, shouldn't the race be more about the quality of our lives and not just how long we can make them?  For my money, I think we should study how to get the medical industry to leave us the hell alone and let us die in peace.

4. People who celebrate others turning 100 -- like that should be everyone's goal.

I can count on one hand how many of my friends are hoping to celebrate a triple-digit birthday. Here's what we all know and it doesn't require further study: You are born and eventually you will die. What you do in between is up to you. Spend your time well, be happy, accept yourself and stop worrying about what others think of your choices or who you are.

5. Those who demonize cell phone use.

Can we just say right up front that nobody should look at their phone while there is a human talking to them. Nor should they bring phones to the dinner table, to movie theaters, to doctors' offices or classrooms -- and probably a million other places where they will disturb others or cause you to disregard the people in your life.

But I find myself in the odd position of loving my phone. It helps me with directions, allows me to take photos and send them to people near and far, and it has a nifty alert system that reminds me when I have appointments. I put my grocery list on my phone and I don't forget anything anymore. I take a photo of the jeans I'm trying on and send it to my BFF to tell me if they look OK. I no longer sit in traffic because my phone shows me alternate routes.

The trick is to balance our love for our phones with our love for everything else. And perhaps there's an app to block all those studies.



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