To the Charlottesville White Supremacists

08/15/2017 04:11 am ET Updated Aug 15, 2017

Given recent events, I wanted to weigh in with a letter to the white supremacists in Charlottesville:

DEAR FUCKHEADS!

It’s me, a non-threatening Asian-American woman. I’d like to start a friendly, thoughtful discussion on all the dumbass things you like. Now, because I’m a woman, a minority, and a child of immigrants, you probably don’t care what I have to say. So just pretend that I’m sharing this all as Sailor Moon since I bet your lonely ass likes that shit.

NAZIS – You love Nazis! You think Nazis are cool! You want to live in a world in which white people are the master race, down with Mudbloods, all hail house Slytherin, Jewish people are evil. Oh, hey, news flash: You are the ISIS of America.

Have you Nazis really thought this through? Do you really want a complete ethnic cleansing of all non-Aryan people? Think about all those hot half-Asians who are going to die. Think about a country left with only pasty-ass inbred Joffreys. A country with no sushi or Chipotle. Did you think about that? YOU’D HAVE TO GIVE UP MOTHERFUCKIN’ CHIPOTLE. You wouldn’t last a week.

Be honest. You’re only a Nazi because you want to be subversive and like the thing you’re not allowed to like. Basically, you’re a four-year old who really, really, really wants to touch a hot stove. Get over it and grow up, dicks.

PATRIOTISM – We can both agree that patriotism is good. Hey look, we agree on something! Now let’s talk about Colin Kaepernick. Yuck, how disgraceful, right? Can you imagine, someone who feels so disenchanted with his country that he chooses to express his dissent peacefully, knowing that he might lose his job and consequently millions of dollars? It’s not like he’s working at a goddamn hot dog shop. How DARE a football player disrespect the national anthem by kneeling! The anthem is sacred. Of course you know all the words to the anthem by heart, right? You could totally sing it perfectly without having to look at the lyrics on the scoreboard. Right? Because the anthem is sacred? Yeah, you’re a true patriot, dipshit.

TRUMP – Your hero! This is YOUR president, the president of the people* (*Never mind that he lost the popular vote and has a lower approval rating than Nickelback. You probably like Nickelback). All the bad things people say about Trump: fake news! It’s so crazy that, for the first time in history, most reputable news organizations have banded together to repeat the same LIES about the president. Russia? Fake news. Negative polls? Fake news. Losing the election? Fake news. Pussy grabbing? Fake news. (“But wait, didn’t that actually happen?” “If you say ‘Fake news’ after the fact, then it means it didn’t!”)

Remember when FDR said, “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself?” That was fake news! According to Trump, we have to fear Muslims, North Korea, Mexicans climbing over our borders, the Chinese taking away all our business, the mainstream media, etc, etc. Thank god we don’t have to fear climate change though, I’m fucking scared shitless already. But really, what a great leader, telling his people to panic about all the problems he brought in. Essentially Trump is a man who unloads an armful of deadly snakes at your house party, then yells “I told you there’d be snakes!” as he hightails it out of there with your golf clubs. And you’ll say, “I like that guy, he tells it like it is” as your body is ripped apart by bloody snakes.

ALL LIVES MATTER – Oof. Black Lives Matter is the thing you hate the most. You hate this SO much. You’re constantly screaming ALL LIVES MATTER, BLUE LIVES MATTER, everything but BLACK LIVES MATTER. And the crazy thing is, many Americans are sort of on your side. People think the entire BLM movement is anti-cop and anti-white people. But (and I’m gonna lay some math on you) -- just because “Black Lives Matter” doesn’t mean your life matters less. Or that Black Lives > White Lives. This is about Black Lives > 0. (If math is hard for you, just think of Black Lives and White Lives as two discrete non-zero entities in which the sets overlap into a Venn Diagram – aka boobs. Hey, you get it now!) We don’t want society to value ONLY White lives or ONLY Black lives -- we want our society to be in the spot that overlaps, or “the cleavage.” How can you not support that cleavage?? — it’s ORANGE, just like your favorite president!

Maybe you’re not a math person. So think about something white people love: kale. You may be surprised to learn just how many people out there don’t like kale – maybe it’s the taste, the texture, or perhaps generations of anger and resentment against kale. All we’re doing is telling the haters: “Hey, don’t hate kale! Give kale a chance!” BUT just because we’re defending kale doesn’t mean we hate swiss chard or spinach or other leafy bullshit. We’re just telling people to stop shitting on kale – like hey, maybe don’t shoot defenseless kale. This is not controversial.

But perhaps you think kale deserves it. You say, if black people are getting shot by cops, it’s probably because they’re committing crimes. Of course, YOU’VE never committed a crime… well, except for that ONE time you failed to make a full stop at a stop sign. And that time you drove home while tipsy with a broken tail light. And that time you smuggled weed on the plane in your little bag of trail mix with your tiki torch carry-on.

If there is institutional racism within the police organization, then black people are more likely to be stopped for crimes like these. And arrested and charged and recorded in a police log for crimes like these. And these charges are more likely to feed the racist loop in which we, the non-black people, think that black people are simply more likely to be criminals. And our prison system can very easily turn nonviolent “criminals” into hardened, violent ones who can indeed commit serious crimes.

You can’t argue that there is no institutional racism in American law enforcement or our justice system. This is a country where a white kid can get off for rape in three months while a black kid will sit in jail for years. This is a country where for more than a century slavery was NOT considered a crime. You might think “wah, wah, slavery is over” but UM, IT WAS A BIG FUCKING DEAL. And if you thought all those nice white Southern people just got over it and were super fair and just in their dealings with black people after the Civil War, then you might need to read up on your American history.

Black Lives Matter does not claim that all black crime is the result of a racist state. And unlike how it’s portrayed by the alt-right, it’s not about promoting violence against police or white people -- although there are sure to be extremists. But would it be smart to judge a whole group based on the actions of an extreme few? For instance, “I used to like white people, but then a white guy ran his car into a group of counter-protestors so now I hate all white people. #WhiteBan” Or, “I used to be cool with Muslims, but then a Muslim guy shot up a nightclub in Orlando so now I hate all Muslims #MuslimBan.” No. This would not be smart. This would be another knee-jerk reaction based on fear. And when you’re driven only by fear, you only know hate.

So to all the white supremacists, Nazi sympathizers, and straight-up racists out there, I do hope you reconsider your anger and your hate. You might feel abandoned, unfairly maligned, perhaps even targeted, but at the end of the day, you’re still a white man in America – which means you could still be the Dolphins’ starting quarterback. You may be mad, but just know that I’m mad too. And I don’t like being mad, because it means I’m staying up late at night to write letters like these with lots of swears.

Please, stop making me so mad.

Love,

Teresa

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