Trump Administration Rules Out Use of Poison to Destroy Political Opponents

03/21/2017 08:27 pm ET Updated May 16, 2017

NOT FAKE NEWS, BUT AUTHENTIC SATIRE

Putin’s Offer of “Technical Assistance” Firmly Rejected

According to an anonymous high-level source in the White House, the Trump Administration has ruled out using poison to kill people on its “enemies list.” This decision was in response to an offer made by Russian President Putin to provide “technical assistance” to the Administration in performing covert political assassinations.

(Apparently, this list includes, among many others, the names of former President Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Also listed are the names of many artists who declined invitations to perform at Trump’s Inaugural, a group that includes Andrea Bocelli, Garth Brooks, Sir Elton John, Céline Dion, Justin Timberlake, and Marie Osmond.)

Apparently, Putin’s offer was first made when Trump campaign surrogate, Senator Jeff Sessions, met with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak in the Senator’s office last September. At that time, Kislyak demonstrated the potency of the technology by using a poisoned umbrella to kill a 200-pound Russian Caucasian mountain dog that the ambassador had brought along for the purpose.

The decision to reject Putin’s offer represents a victory for White House Chief of Staff, Reince Priebus, a moderate, who argues that punishment of the Administration’s enemies should limited to character assassination.

The anonymous White House source also reported that Putin’s offer included the gift of 10 poisoned umbrellas, an offer which the President rejected on the grounds that the umbrellas had been manufactured in Russia, not the USA. Mr. Trump is insistent that these jobs be located in America.

In a related matter, the source reported that, at the President’s order, all umbrellas in the White House were seized and examined by the Secret Service to make sure they were safe to use. This search turned up only one umbrella that was poisonous. It was found in the cloakroom of the suite occupied by Trump’s Chief Strategist Steve Bannon.

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