Wave That Magic Wand!

01/23/2013 03:06 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

As it did for many other gay people, President Obama's inaugural speech brought a tear to my eye. He uttered words like "Stonewall" and "gay brothers and sisters" and spoke of our shared struggles, bringing shivers down my spine. But I was premature in my emotional response, because, soon after the speech, greater heroes emerged, making the president's sentiments seem outdated and depressing.

Brian Brown, president of the National Organization for Marriage (NOM), announced just hours after Obama's inaugural that our struggles do not exist! He declared, "Gay and lesbian people are already treated equally under the law." And Peter Sprigg, a representative of the Family Research Council (FRC), echoed that sentiment, saying, "Homosexuals already have all the same civil rights as anyone else." In light of these statements, President Obama's words sound so negative and discouraging. The president made it seem like we gays are on a journey and that our nation must continue to fight to secure our full rights. But I favor the ideas coming from Mr. Brown and Mr. Sprigg! We have already arrived! The struggle is over! No more worries! It is so liberating!

We have truly entered a new era. Prior to the inauguration, NOM and FRC condemned any strides forward by the gay community, but now they have waved a magic wand to make our struggles disappear! It is so nice of them!

I am not really sure how it works, but I am so encouraged that I will try not to worry too much. I thought that there were still laws that discriminated against us -- for instance, in many states we could get fired from our job if our boss does not like the gays, right? -- but now that Mr. Brown and Mr. Sprigg have announced that we have full rights, will such bosses magically have a change of heart? Or, if one of us in one of those states does get fired for being gay and files a wrongful termination lawsuit, will the judge ignore the lack of workplace nondiscrimination laws protecting gays and wondrously rule in his or her favor? Who knows? And, hey, who cares? Mr. Obama offered hope for a freer future, but NOM and FRC have sped up the process! No more workplace discrimination! And with just a click of their fingers! Amazing.

I had also worried about getting thrown out of my apartment if my landlord happened to disagree with my "gay lifestyle." But now that the struggle is over, I guess that he's sure to like me now. Did all prejudice disappear with the wave of that magic wand? Oh, I hope so! Maybe racism disappeared, too. And misogyny? Gosh, it is all so exciting!

I guess I will give up my bid to someday marry my partner. NOM and FRC are really against the whole gay marriage thing, and I do not want to anger them, given that they have done so much for me this week. NOM says that President Obama is divisive and "has chosen to undermine" the institution of marriage. And Mr. Sprigg reminds us that personal relationships do not all have "an equal value to society at large." I had thought Mr. Obama was trying to bring us all together and treat us as equals, but actually he is a big ol' meanie who wants to ruin America and create havoc, correct? Did I get that right?

Let's face it: Obama is such a downer. Even though he is the first president to include gays and gay rights in an inaugural speech, he is merely dangling a carrot in front of our faces. I thought Monday's speech made me happy, because of the hope it provided, but I am much more ecstatic now that NOM and FRC has sprinkled magic fairy dust (or the straight equivalent of fairy dust) on the land. Thank you, Mr. Brown and Mr. Sprigg, for providing immediate results!