If I could go back in time and change something about my life, one of the things would be to start writing when the writing bug bit me while pursuing my engineering degree. When learning revolved around attending lectures, cramming to pass exams, beating my head against the oscilloscope, motherboards and connecting wires in the lab, dreading strict professors and envying the friends who kept raising the bar by reaching new levels of nerdiness, I started scribbling my thoughts in my diary. This brought some respite and acted as my security blanket. Besides being therapeutic, the process brought me closer to myself and over a period of time a realization crept in that writing is something which redefined learning for me. Amidst the jargon of complex circuits, mathematical formulas, and modulated waveforms, journaling helped me modulate my emotions and I developed a propensity for it. In spite of spending hours writing, I never took it to another level. It just remained a hobby closed in the pages of my notebook. It was like having a love affair with writing but the idea of committing to it gave me cold feet. To make a long story short, I enjoyed hiding in this parallel universe of writing but commuting back and forth was not easy. Something kept holding me back from going beyond scribbling. What was it?
That I am Not Good Enough
The thought that I am not good enough; that it's an uphill task to take up something amateurish so seriously; that I don't suck enough in what I am currently doing and my focus should be on something that I have worked so hard to get. So I talked myself through it and closed the chapter of writing without concluding. I constantly compared myself with my favorite writers, which made me more discouraged about my usage of words, vocabulary, and simplicity of expression. Though I had a million thoughts and ideas bubbling inside me bursting to come out, I struggled to remove the engineer's mind out of my writing and bring in a more writerly aspect to it. I always felt that my writing lacks crisp articulation. Fast forward to now, and here I am finally trying to play with my long-suppressed desire (which was literally hanging on life support) to write and share with the world that we don't need a degree or certificate to bring forth our gifts. Though some training can surely help polish skills, rawness can bring in more uniqueness to the creation. Because I was stuck to some definition of "writer" in my mind, writing seemed a far-fetched dream. As soon as I shed that barrier, I felt more at ease with the process of writing.
All along I needed to tell myself, "You are good at your 'day job' but you are better when you are outside of it. When you can spend a big chunk of your time on something that you are good at, the better side of you definitely deserves some exploration. You don't need the label of writer for that. Your thoughts are the backbone of your writing. It's the weight in your thoughts that bring in weight to the writing. Words are just the tool that bridges the gap between scattered thoughts and a compiled meaningful information. They will automatically fall into place. When the power of thoughts transcends the power of the words, you don't just read the words, you hear them." I had approached the whole thing from the wrong angle. I wanted to become a writer first and then write. I should have been driven to write first and then become a writer later. Oh, wait a minute, I don't want to become anything. Those shoes are too big to fill. I want to steer clear from labels. I am more comfortable with the verb -- writing -- than I am with the noun -- writer. I want to keep it simple. I am writing because I chose this medium to express my thoughts and there is nothing more to it. It's not about how good I am and how far I am going to get anymore. It's about putting in consistent and honest efforts.
When you are standing at a crossroads in your life, realize that the greatest block that you can put in front of your Self is the idea that there is a "right" choice.
-- Story Waters
Fear of Rejection
The most challenging aspect is to deal with the fear of rejection. What if I fail? If we redefine failure and take this word out of our dictionary, we get better at dealing with not succeeding. Either we succeed or we learn. There is no such thing as losing or failing. Success means we achieved our goal and if we don't, it still brings us one step closer to it. A little more effort and we are there. Where does losing or failing fit in here? If we really have to use these negative words, turn them around by telling yourself that not trying is losing. Not taking that first step is a failure. Our talents are like seeds. No one can see seeds when they are buried in the dirt. Only when a seed blossoms into a plant is its beauty revealed to the world. Don't hide those seeds. Our gifts are beyond our fears and insecurities. They are there for a reason. Don't let your fears malign the sanctity of those gifts. Take a leap of faith.
Keep on beginning and failing. Each time you fail start over again, and you will grow stronger until you have accomplished a purpose -- not the one you began with, perhaps, but one you'll be glad to remember.
-- Anne Sullivan
Not Loving Your Work
When I didn't hear back from an editor after submitting my first article, I started looking at that article from the eyes of that editor only. And it became flawed to me as well. Big mistake. If I cannot love my work, no one else will. It takes years to build self-confidence to start living your dream. And how easily we let one rejection cripple it. Destruction is always faster and easier than construction. Don't sign up for easy things. Challenges will only make you better. You have to fall in love with your work irrespective of how others treat it. The biggest belief in your life is your belief in yourself. The rest are just the acquired ones. It's your love for what you do that keeps you going and brings in graceful ease to even the hardest of efforts. And it's not going to reflect lack of humility and self-adulation. It just makes you more open to learning from your mistakes and improving your craft.
My definition of perfection has evolved over time. I strive to bring in perfection in my efforts hoping the culmination of it would translate into best results. To be able to work in my capacity, to be more accepting of my limitations and be appreciative of my strengths, to be able to come to terms with dualities (ups and downs) and to be able to learn as I go is the new "perfection" for me.
A part of building and improving my vocabulary now includes either redefining or getting rid of the terms or words that were hindering my progress (not as a writer but as a person).
What am I Getting out of It?
This is the wrong question. Instead, the right thing to ask is what is there for me to give? How can I be of service to others? I learned an extremely valuable lesson from my mom, who has some serious health concerns. She loves to cook and continually tries and invents new recipes. I once asked her, "More than half of the things you cook you can't eat due to your health. Why do you spend so much time cooking these fancy and elaborate meals? Use your creativity to do something that would benefit you." Her answer was an eye-opener. She said, "My reward is the happiness I see on the faces of family and friends when they try my food. Their appreciation and smiles make my efforts worth it." Lesson learned. You might not make a career out of your hobby. You might not earn a great fortune out of it. But immense satisfaction is guaranteed. If you can influence or inspire a single life in a positive way, job well done. And at some point in time in your life, it becomes your career, applaud yourself for the bonus.