Confessions Of A Half-Virgin

Throughout the next few months, HuffPost Teen is highlighting the way teens think and feel about sex through anecdotes written for our series, "Teen Sex: It's Complicated." All of the authors are teenagers who have agreed to be published anonymously. If you want to share your thoughts, join the conversation here.

By Samantha, 16

I don't really know what sex means to me. I would say it's a mix of love and lust -- or that's how it should be. You should love the person you have it with, but there also has to be a physical connection. Sex can't make up for love, but love can make up for sex. Doing sexual things is fun, and should be comfortable and natural if you are with the right person.

At my high school, some people talk about sex, others avoid the topic all together. With some of my friends I do talk about sex related things, but with others I don't. The majority of my school is Christian, so having sex is somewhat frowned upon unless you are popular.

I have been dating my current boyfriend for a little over a year now. He has been been my only boyfriend and my only love. I told him I loved him around four months, though I had felt the feeling with him before than but I was too scared to say it. The way he appreciates me, smiles at me, the way he'll do anything for me makes me know it's love. He believes in all my dreams and aspirations almost as much as he believes in his own. He makes me incredibly happy, and whenever I am with him I feel at home.

Therefore, a lot of people are surprised when they ask if we have had sex and I answer no. (Well, "no" meaning no vaginal sex, and I'll get to this later.) People at our school thought since we have been dating for so long and since other people in our grade do it who had been dating for far less time, that we had done the deed as well, but that's not the case. We both talked about it, and at first I thought I would save sex for marriage because that's what I had learned in sex ed and it just seemed logical. But now, it doesn't for some reason. Sex just isn't as big of a deal even though I haven't had it yet. I feel like I am somewhat ready, but I don't want to jeopardize my future, so that's what I am holding off for now. Me and my boyfriend still are happy in our relationship though, because all of the things we have done we have been fully comfortable with and it seems natural, fun, and always exciting and new. My boyfriend and I talked sex over and we both agreed that doing it sometime senior year (two years from now) would be a good decision (and of course we would use protection). My parents also say this is around a time that they would approve of (though they would prefer it if I would be completely out of high school). They say 18 is a good age, which is how old I would be my senior year.

So now about the part about my virginity. Me and my boyfriend have had oral sex, but we didn't have it until a full six months after we had started dating. When talking to people at my school, people have begun saying that oral sex is a type of sex, so I have had sex and that I am no longer a virgin, but I find this very inaccurate. I think all people should have their own view on what their virginity is, but for people to say that I have lost mine is somewhat ridiculous because I believe I haven't. I'm still waiting, and I still feel a lust for more. I can't wait for the day that me and my boyfriend have sex for the first time, but for now today is not that day, nor tomorrow or any time soon. So for right now I consider myself half a virgin, because I have felt the thrill of human sexuality and intimacy with one I love, but not to its full extent. That's what virginity is to me. It's not a type of sex, or breaking your hymen, it's more of a frame of mind. Until you have felt the full thrill and intimacy of sex to its greatest extent with someone you truly love, you are still a virgin in my mind, but maybe that's just me.

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