Full disclosure before you read any further, but please keep reading after this sentence — I am in the small category of women who have never been sexually harassed or assaulted. On the day that #MeToo was trending, I felt oddly alone as I sat in front of my computer screen and scrolled through hundreds of posts from my friends, some simply writing “#MeToo” and others bravely sharing their stories. As accounts about Harvey Weinstein, Roy Moore, Kevin Spacey, Charlie Rose, Matt Lauer and other men have emerged, the reality that men in a position of power have and continue to behave inappropriately towards women is hitting hard. There appears to be no end in sight to who will be named next. I am so grateful I have never been raped or sexually harassed, but with my lack of experience came the question that seems to be on the minds of many who also don’t understand….why does it take so long for women to come forward?
That’s a question I’ve seen posted on social media which has sparked debate, or rather arguments, about credibility and agendas. It’s the question I’ve heard reporters ask victims who have chosen to tell their story publicly. Knowing so many of my trusted friends have been harassed or assaulted, I have never doubted any of these women who have shared their experiences. The #MeToo movement illustrated to me that sexual harassment and assault are more common than I ever imagined. Still, why does it take so long for women to come forward? It’s the one question I have also wondered.
I got a clearer understanding this morning as I watched Savannah Guthrie on The Today Show interview Marion Brown. Ms. Brown claims she was fired for refusing sexual advances from her boss Rep. John Conyers. It was not an easy segment to watch but Brown said the one thing that I could relate to, even as a woman who has never felt victimized by a man — “I was frozen. Shocked.”
I know exactly what it is like to be frozen and shocked. It is what I felt during the traumatic experience that led me to develop PTSD twenty years ago. My trauma involved witnessing a tree fall on my father during a fast-moving thunderstorm and, even though I was right there, I was too frozen to run to him to help. Even after my mom ran from our house to tend to my father and begged me to come help her, my autonomic nervous system was in such a heightened sympathetic state, the fight/flight/freeze state that the body automatically falls into to protect itself from harm, that I could not get myself to move. Eventually I did, but I crawled and my body felt like lead.
That experience shaped my entire life. I wasn’t able to talk about it openly until recently, not because of shame or fears, but because it was the most traumatic thing I have ever been through and reliving it by speaking of the details was the last thing I wanted to do. I think this may be a significant reason why it takes so long for women who have experienced sexual harassment and assault to come forward. Their experiences are traumatic, and it’s not easy to talk about traumas when one is still feeling the effects from what they’ve been through, especially when reputations, careers and income may be at stake. Even speaking to someone in human resources for the purpose of stopping the behavior may be traumatic. I can relate. It took me fourteen years to see a therapist.
While we work towards accepting these revelations and embrace change so that women no longer feel the risk of being victimized by men in power, we cannot forget the trauma these women experienced and how it influences their decision to step forward. We must remain sensitive, listen to their stories and respect their space. If we do not consider the effects of their trauma and take measurable actions to prevent future occurrences, I fear these women will continue to feel victimized.