It was December 25th, years ago, when I had my big epiphany.
All eyes were on me.
As always, I waited to open my gifts until the very end, only so I can soak up watching everyone open theirs.
I always spend a lot of time and care picking out the perfect gift for my family and friends.
So naturally, I was curious what was picked out for me.
Ooh...a purse?
My imagination went wild.
Maybe that cashmere sweater I've been wanting?
And, seriously, this year the package was huge.
It's that Moncler coat!
I slowly unwrapped the package with childlike anticipation. Finally, I got to the contents of the box. I was confused.
Huh?
I tried to act all happy and excited, despite the fact that I was heartbroken.
What the hell are these things?
Oh, I did receive a pair of shoes...... but not Jimmy Choos.
In the box were these huge things that looked like something worn by Cyclops.
"Oh, they're so cute!" I said with my best fake smile plastered across my face.
What are they?
"Honey, they're snowshoes," he said with excitement.
I was not excited!
I was new to the Colorado scene.
In the South, we don't see such contraptions.
"Awww...how sweet, darling!" I replied in a true Southern way.
The fake smile morphed into my awkward even more fake giggle.
And, my eyes started to well up a bit.
And, no, they were not tears of joy.
There is nothing wrong with snowshoes.
I've used them, and they are fun.
However, I felt this tremendous sadness welling up inside of me while I stared at the huge thingamajigs.
The pity party had officially started.
Where was my Chanel bag? Trip to the English countryside? String of rare pearls?
I was spiraling into my self-made sorry, all because of a pair of snowshoes, a gift that would bring many women so much pleasure. But not for Madame Tonya. So many emotions came flooding in and took over my mind and body.
I felt deep envy towards the women who received gifts from their loved ones that matched their refined tastes.
I felt deep resentment because no one one seemed to care about me.
I felt mad at myself feeling duped with how much time and energy I give to everyone else.
And, worst of all......
I felt very justified.
Snowshoes?
He should know what I want.
They should think more about my gifts.
I do so much for them.
Why is everyone else so lucky and loved?
(Isn't it fascinating how we'll fight for our own misery?)
Then it dawned on me.
If I want something, I needed to stop waiting for Santa.
(I mean, c'mon! He stopped coming to visit me about three decades ago.)
I was waiting on something outside of myself to give me what I wanted.
(This is the exact thing that I advise my clients not to do)
It was time to get to work.
Two extremely valuable lessons were presented to me that Christmas:
Lesson #1 -- Be grateful for whatever you receive
Lesson #2 -- Don't wait. Give yourself what you want!
As for lesson #1: I needed to go deeper than just having gratitude. I also needed to stop expecting others to fulfill my every wish.
On lesson #2: After that incident had passed (when "I'd stopped the internal hissy fit" as my mother calls it), I sat down and made a list of my "wants" -- everything from a massage to a tropical vacation.
Since that day, I've given myself an array of things.
The list includes:
- Monthly massages at the local spa
- A new Canon camera
- Weekly flowers from the Farmers Market
- A Givenchy and Dior bag bag that only I thought celebrities could own
- Whisking off to Paris, Mexico, South of France, Italy
- Treating my parents to a trip to Costa Rica with me and my daughter.
- Nights out to dinner with my girlfriends
- New La Perla lingerie
- A Magnum of Dom
- Weekends with girlfriends
- Guilt free time alone. With no plans. No kids. And a glass of vino.
- That little antique brooch that I couldn't stop thinking about.... the little adornment that my man would blow a gasket if he knew how much I paid!
This only happened because I stopped waiting for someone to give to me what I wanted and created it for myself.
It's not your husband, children, friends or anyone's job to give you what you want.
That's all on you.
Sure, you can ask for it, but don't expect it! And, certainly don't depend on it.
When it happens, consider it icing on your already beautifully decorated cake.
If you want better relationships and a sense of self-pride, stop expecting others to give to you what you can give to yourself (which is basically everything you want).
Now, let me be very clear:
I am not a "man-hater."
(I adore men)
Nor am I a "Loud Liberated Woman."
(I am strong, but I don't feel like I need to go around shouting about my independence).
Au contraire.
I am all for a man opening my door and buying me gifts.
I love being a lady.
I love receiving.
However...
Sometimes you must stop waiting for a miracle (or a man) and be your own miracle!
I've become the kind of woman who works to provide for my own needs. And, let me assure you: nothing will bring you greater joy than knowing you can depend on yourself.
Another beautiful results is this: I appreciate every experience and gift I receive (even a pair of snowshoes!).
These women stopped waiting for Santa, too.
One of my clients always had a strong desire to take a trip to Paris. She waited for years for her husband to take her. She begged, pleaded, offered sex (note to reader: my hand is raised, as I can definitely relate to this!)
And, after over a decade, still no trip to Paris.
"How's that working for you?" I asked.
"Obviously, not that well," she admitted.
She stopped waiting and booked her own ticket to Paris.
Not only did she have the time of her life in Paris, her relationship with hubby also was better. And yes, in the bedroom, they returned to passionate love. It was no longer fueled by manipulation.
Another client of mine was so smitten snipping magazines and adding pins to her pinterest board because she wanted to remodel her kitchen. She was waiting for her hubby to break out his tool belt and get to work. And she waited. And waited.
"How long are you planning to wait?" I asked.
"Looks like a lifetime if I'm depending on him to do it," she replied.
She stopped waiting and created a plan, followed through on it, and had her dream kitchen within the year.
Don't wait for Santa when you have your own army of elves.
What do you want? Here's how you can get it:
Your plan must start with your mind, because if you don't believe you can, you won't.
1. Think about it.
A lot of women haven't even considered what they want for years, so it's a muscle you must start building.
2. Write it down.
Put that gorgeous journal you've set aside and have been dying to use for a special occasion to good use (finally!)
3. Then, make a plan to create it!
A simple first step is to surround yourself with women who will support you. Ones who share your dreams and desires.
The French Kiss Life Club is a fabulous place to begin to surround yourself with women who support you and desire beauty and style as much as you do. Click here to join us.
Decide right now that you are going to stop waiting for others to give you what you want and create it for yourself.
This article was originally published by Tonya Leigh at French Kiss Life, a destination for women who want to inject more elegance, style and joie de vivre into their daily lives. Through a vibrant online community and immersive experiences, Tonya helps women live with more joy, love and style.