All day yesterday I had the jitters. Like a kid on Christmas Eve. Or a young gay teen the night before a Lady Gaga concert. Or like someone who just slammed two, Five-Hour Energy shots, back-to-back. (Wait, I think that really happened.) Anywho: FOOTBALL SEASON WAS HERE! FINALLY!
I was curious to see just who the NFL would choose to kick things off and really get America's collective pulse pounding in anticipation of a great season. I had it in my head that this was going to be the "Year of the Female Fan," after reading about the new female-focused NFL boutique on Magazine Street in New Orleans. I said to myself, "Self, the NFL is finally figuring it all out and targeting the female market in a smart, chic way. Thank Breesus!"
Who would they choose to headline their Thursday night kick-off? A reprise of Pink? Cheeky Katy Perry? Some booty shaking from Beyonce?
Nope. The NFL selected a trifecta of Dave Matthews, Taylor Swift and Colbie Caillat to welcome the season. Yawn. And to boot, Sugarland started my morning off by singing "Waitin' All Day for Sunday Night" on the Today Show. Sigh.
Are you revved up? Are you psyched? Are you ready for some football? Um, no. I'm ready to smoke a doob ... text my bff ... write in my journal ... and watch SNL, respectively. Here's why:
Dave Matthews: Last time I checked, aging potheads were not exactly the NFL's demographic (although the last number with the New Orleans musicians onstage was pretty cool. That's the only nice thing I have to say here.)
Taylor Swift: Teenage girls listen to Taylor Swift. Period. End of sentence. They're too busy texting (or sexting) to watch football.
Colbie Caillat: I've never been less enthused for a football game to begin. Look, I'm not dissing Colbie's music. It's cute, it's catchy. It's girlie. But it's the music I put on when I'm feeling a little melancholy and I want to sit on my couch, drink some chamomile tea and write in my journal. (Please note that I haven't done that in about 10 years, but if I was going to do it, Colbie would be my soundtrack.) Did you hear the crowd trying to sing along? Painful. Did you see the players swaying along? Horrifying. Look, I'm all about different renditions of the National Anthem (we did select Marvin Gaye's rendition as the best National Anthem ever in "GameFace"), but this was more fitting for the kick-off to Lilith Fair -- not the FIRST GAME OF THE ENTIRE NFL SEASON.
Sugarland: OK, the woman has a set of pipes. I'll give her that. But her over-the-top, exaggerated, phony mannerisms remind me of a Kristen Wiig character on SNL. She's goofy, she's campy, and she's not getting me at all excited for Sunday Night. When Faith Hill sang the theme song the last three seasons, it made sense. Faith is sexy. Men want her, women want to be her. She's married to Tim McGraw (helloooo, "Friday Night Lights," the movie!) He's a stud. I must admit that when she sang "Waitin' All Day for Sunday Night," I did a pseudo-strip tease for my BF and got both of our hearts pounding for some HOT FOOTBALL ACTION. Jennifer Nettles does not create the same affect. Thankfully Faith is back as the official "Waitin' All Day for Sunday Night" singer and we get to see her again on Sunday. Phew. (Pink, you're still my favorite ... )
OTHER OBSERVANCES FROM THE FIRST DAY OF THE SEASON:
Hey Grandpa Favre: If you are tired by the second half, wait until the second game.
Oh Tom Brady: In my opinion, you are the best-looking, least-interesting quarterback to ever play the game. However, your desperate attempts for attention are getting kind of embarrassing. First you grow your hair out to try to get headlines, and now, the minor car accident? Try returning to your former glory. Then we'll all start paying attention.
Dear City of New Orleans: We love you. It was a great road to the Super Bowl last year. But it's time to move on.
Can't wait to see what the season brings ...