12/31/2014 08:11 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Why I'm Finally Ready To Blend Hot Sex With Emotional Attachment


I've never been one to make New Year's Resolutions. The word "resolution" just feels like it's meant to be broken, and what's the point of setting yourself up for failure? Unless you take an irreverent approach to this ritual, like my sister and her family. Every New Year's, after they've written their new resolutions, they take the ones from the year before out of a box, read them aloud, and laugh at each other's broken promises.

As the end of 2014 draws near, I've been reflecting on the last two years since my ex-husband and I parted ways, and I embarked on an erotic odyssey. I pushed through shame and a deep-rooted belief that I didn't deserve a rich sex life, and gave myself permission to develop the sexual persona I'd kept tightly under wraps for decades. I did things I never thought I'd do, sometimes with men who were different from my usual "type," since my type hadn't exactly worked out.

I learned to recognize when hot sex is just hot sex, and not try to make it into anything more. I learned to embrace sexual submission as a preference that feels right for me, instead of buying into the misguided notion that any woman who submits in bed is a victim of gender violence. In fact, quite the opposite: when I claimed my submissiveness, I felt more empowered because I wasn't trying to be a way that I wasn't. And I don't think any man I've been with would mistake me for being powerless.

I also learned that I'm ready to do something I've never done: show up as who I am sexually in the context of a committed relationship. I've loved the erotic experiences I've shared with people I've dated casually, but I want to know what it's like to blend that level of eroticism with an emotional attachment based on want, not the stultifying codependence I've known before.

So with that shift in mind, I've decided to set a New Year's Intention. "Intention" has a much more inviting ring to it than "resolution." It is simply an articulated desire, a willingness to take steps to manifest something, without fixating on the outcome.

I don't know if I'll meet the right man for me in 2015, but my Intention is to be available if he shows up.


Earlier on Huff/Post50:

5 Foods To Boost Libido