11/28/2007 11:38 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Creating Stem Cells without Hurting Embryos Kills All the Fun

Now that the New York Times reports Dr. James Thomson and colleagues have discovered a way to create stem cells without killing human embryos, scientists will have to find another evil way to get their sadistic kicks. Many scientists had hoped they would one day create life so that they could destroy it. Those dreams have been crushed. The UN World Health Organization has officially dropped the course "Torturing Microscopic Babies for Fun and Profit." The Republicans have now lost an issue to run on in '08. Conservatives better mobilize their base quickly by finding some kind of science that offends them.

Here are some suggestions:

-Ban Tylenol for relieving God-sent hangovers

-Ban crutches for the disabled because they're "merely a crutch"

-Ban pasteurization for being in the pocket of Big Lactose

-Ban Band-aids for refusing to sell Ronald Regan Special Editions

-Ban anti-depressants for making Brooke Shields want to act again

-Ban antibiotics for being against biotics. We love the Bionic Woman.

-Ban fungicide because genocide isn't fun; it's something to be ignored

-Ban viruses for infecting the computers of Republicans trying to instant-message teens.

-Ban all of medicine and arrest all the doctors because only God heals the sick

To recap: Stem Cell Science was stopped from discovering cures and wasted a decade of research appeasing the Right which could have stopped millions from suffering needlessly.

Why must they suffer? Because of the President's religion.

What if the cure for AIDS was discovered to be a blood transfusion and the president was a Jehovah's Witness? One dead nation under God.