05/20/2011 06:26 pm ET Updated Jul 20, 2011

Powerful Politicians and Their Wayward Wieners

Head of the International Monetary Fund, Dominique Strauss-Kahn allegedly attacked and sexually assaulted a hotel maid.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to fathering a son with his housekeeper.

The Prime Minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, is infamous for his highly sexual bunga bunga parties.

Why do men who run the world need so much sex?

Well, I know the answer. And when I tell you what it is, it's going to shock you. Like really, you're not going to believe it.

Male politicians can't make policy and bills and do things that make this world great if they are full of semen. It's a scientific fact. That's right, science.

There have been millions** of scientific studies that show that, when full of ejaculate, male politicians simply can't do their jobs effectively, and sometimes not at all. They're so affected by their nuts being full of DNA juice, they can't think, talk, and they definitely can't be an upstanding, respectful, normal human being.

Sure lots of people have this problem. The scientific term for it is "horniness" and being full of jizz (lady or man) makes it hard for people to function. But politicians have it worse. Studies have shown*** that the genetic code that draws men to public service and policy making also causes these men to have hyper-sensitive ball sacks. When their man gourds are filled with baby batter, they react in a more extreme way then let's say, a plumber or a bank teller.

And for high level politicians, jerking off under a mahogany desk every three hours gets old. Which is why those politicians need to find disposable ladies. Ladies who they don't respect, ladies who they can throw away like an old newspaper, ladies who "shhhhh".....won't say a thing, ladies whose sole purpose of being with these politicians is to serve as their handy dandy fuck holes, ladies who can extract that political man milk, so these important, powerful men can do the important work that lets us live great lives.

You know those roads you enjoy? How about the beautiful parks your children play in? How about the RUNNING WATER IN YOUR HOME? None of that could have happened if politicians weren't plopping their man jam all over women.

How could Eliot Spitzer move from attorney general to governor without making multiple sperm deposits into prostitutes?

Do you think that we would have pulled out of a recession in the 90's were it not for Bill Clinton giving Monica Lewinsky ye olde "cock in mouth" treatment?

And what about Civil Rights? That would have NEVER happened had JFK not filled Marylin Monroe with his Kennedy creme.


Think about it. Where would we be today if Thomas Jefferson and George Washington hadn't been able to sign the Declaration of Independence? A document they had the clear headedness to deal with because they had just jerked off into the mouths of a bunch of slaves.

So ladies, find your nearest straight, male politician, look him square in the face, and tell him "I know what you go through, sir, and that's why I'm here to spread my legs****. For my country."

** there have been zero studies

*** nope, no studies. i made this up.

**** or your butt or your mouth or your fleshlight