10/23/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

What Apple's 'Special Event' Is Really All About

The cryptic invitations have been sent and the speculation sweepstakes is now fully underway. On the Magical Mystery date 09-09-09, Apple will be holding another of its "special events," this one having something to do with music (we think).

Of course, we would never stoop to making up Apple rumors in order to generate traffic. (That, and 600,000 daily readers, is what separates us from TechCrunch.) Instead, we have carefully studied that invitation (below), poring over the cryptic clues hidden deep inside. The result? What we believe is the definitive word on what Apple will reveal on that fateful day. Here are the five clues.


Clue #1. In this image the model is clearly making the Gyan Mudra with her fingers. This hand gesture comes from the Sanskrit for "pure knowledge," and can mean only one of three things:

a) Steve Jobs will definitely appear at the event.

b) Steve Jobs will definitely not appear at the event.

c) Steve Jobs will appear, but he will be cleverly disguised as Shiva, Hindu God of Transformation. This will mark the first time in recorded history that Shiva has manifested wearing a black turtleneck.

Clue #2. This device shown here is in reality the long-rumored Apple Tablet; it only looks like an iPod because the model hired for the photo shoot is 12 feet tall.

On a related note, eSarcasm has learned Apple will introduce a new line of iGrowth hormones, which in addition to creating outsized models for photo shoots will be used to farm replacement organs for Steve Jobs, thus ensuring his immortality.

Clue #3. The model's leg position indicates she is bending it like Beckham, a clue that suggests Apple will acquire the LA Galaxy, the major league soccer team David Beckham plays for when he's not nailing Posh Spice.

Also, the ugly shoes indicate the model is a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Clue #4. The obvious Rolling Stones lyric could mean several things. But as the Stones catalog first appeared on iTunes in 2003, we believe it is in fact an oblique reference to "Start Me Up," famously licensed by Microsoft in the mid 1990s to mark the launch of its most successful operating system to date. Thus we must conclude that the new Apple Tablets indicated in Clue #2 will be running Windows 95.

Clue #5. Really, get your mind out of the gutter. Can you think about nothing else?

eSarcasm assumes no responsibility for fluctuations in the price of Apple's stock as a result of these prognostications, but we're shorting ours, just in case.

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