05/24/2013 11:37 am ET Updated Jul 24, 2013

How a Baby Is Like Having a Drunk Person Crash at Your House

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Like a drunk person crashing at your house, a baby may:

  • Need to be carried inside
  • Paw at your breasts, with or without other people present
  • Insist on telling long, incomprehensible stories
  • Cry
  • Eat all your applesauce
  • Lurch around in an uncoordinated fashion, grabbing at your furniture for balance
  • Fall
  • Break things
  • Cry more
  • Leave you to clean up the mess
  • Pass out at inopportune moments
  • Drool heavily
  • Vomit in your bed
  • Show no signs of remembering the previous night
  • Demand your attention and then forget why
  • Be easily distracted
  • Grab your cellphone out of your hand
  • Urinate on himself
  • and, of course

  • Sit on your lap, look deeply into your eyes, and then fart