07/10/2009 05:12 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

My 2009 Lexington High School Commencement Speech

A few days ago I gave the commencement speech at my former high school's graduation. It's the same town where the American revolution began. Even though only four grown ups attended the graduation dressed as Minute Men, the British still did not dare attack. They wisely stayed away. Here's a video of my speech. Relax, everyone, I only mention heroin once: