06/20/2014 12:06 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

No Headlines for Botox Barbie

Picture if you will that to celebrate her 55th birthday this year, Barbie held a red carpet celebrity filled extravaganza in an exclusive Vegas nightclub. And although what happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas... TMZ let the cat out of the bag that Barbie got completely sh*tfaced. Duck faced and drunk, she posed for selfie after selfie in front of the bathroom mirror. And to make matters worse, paparazzi captured a video of Barbie whispering to the mirror inquiring "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"


Upon discovering the photographer spying on her, Barbie went ballistic. She took to Twitter, tweeting "Why do paparazzi feel the need to video me in the ladies room?" It didn't take long till the video went viral, spreading across media outlets everywhere. Friends, Nikki and Tia, were reportedly concerned she's "making a fool" of herself as she struggles with the aging process.

It seems Barbie's mid-life crisis started around five years ago when this former beauty queen was traumatized after receiving her AARP card in the mail. Recent tattoos, endless diets, strict workout regimens, and bizarre anti-aging rituals- yep, her mid-life crisis was in full swing. Who can blame her? Honestly, it drove her up the wall how her skin did wrinkle, as she picked apart each and every crinkle. A wrinkle here, a sag there, truly, she began to feel like a Raggedy Ann doll living in a Barbie world.

With time, she began to criticize herself saying "Mirror, mirror, talking glass, tell me please --that's not my, big-fat ass." Thus, began her age-defying obsession searching for the fountain of youth. Barbie may be a baby boomer but she's refused to look like a "senior citizen." By forty, she had lost most of her modeling jobs to teenagers. And after the housing market crashed in 2005, her dream home fell into foreclosure and her beloved pink corvette was unexpectedly repossessed. On top of all these life-stressors, her husband Ken filed for a divorce after years of cheating on her.

Unable to mute the voices of self-doubt, she waxed, plucked, and tummy tucked. Really, what's the harm in a little bit of maintenance, right? And after a recent appearance on the Ellen Show, there's no denying it -- Botox Barbie is nothing to frown at! Okay, maybe she could go a bit easier on the lip filler. But let's face it, Barbie is as gorgeous as it gets, yet that glamour girl's not fooling anyone into believing she's 100 percent natural. Surely, thousands and thousands of dollars, if not more have been shelled out on plastic surgery in an attempt shed years from her face and body.

Still, she still looks flawless in a bikini. How does a woman in her mid-fifties show no signs of cellulite, spider veins, stretch marks, or even a muffin top? From Botox to a breast lift, Barbie has admitted to using injectable dermal fillers to plump up her lips and fill in her laugh lines. Could she be sprucing up for her newest boy toy -- GI Joe? Perhaps she's just making up for some lost time, or the fact she married a guy with no balls. But whatever the case maybe, she is finally showing the world she's nobody's plaything.

Alright, maybe you can't image a scenario where Barbie marches towards financial disaster while going through the hysteria of a divorce. However it's a fact that over 1 billion women have played with Barbie at some point in their lives. And it's doubtful that foreclosure, bankruptcy, divorce, and/ or aging scenarios existed in Barbie fantasy land. So what, if her life may not have turned out like you expected, may be yours didn't either!

The above story was told in order to capture what it must be like to age under the spotlight, as a celebrity. Hopefully, as with any parody, I was able to mix the appropriate amount of humor with hints of truth. I've written about how Barbie influenced my life in my memoir RAW: One Woman's Journey Through Love, Loss, and Cancer. Really, I spent the first decade of my life playing dolls and the next thirty plus years trying to look like one.

Personally, I believe Botox Barbie will never make headlines. The truth is we live in a youth obsessed culture filled with smoke and mirrors. That said, Barbie's not the first to sport fake hair, fake nails, a fake tan, fake eye lashes, and fake boobs, nor will she be the last. I'd like to think, at 55; Barbie's just accessing all the perks of her gained wisdom by slowing down the aging process. Somewhere between middle age and old age all women realize that beauty is only skin deep, but then so is Botox, isn't it?


Fiona Finn is the author of RAW: One Woman's Journey Through Love, Loss, and Cancer as well as, Barbie: A Parody.