My dearest son Bob Rolex McDonnell,
It has come to my attention, despite the bad internet connection we've got up here -- still on dial up I'm afraid -- that you have sinned greatly in your time as Governor of that earthly kingdom of Virginia, and that a jury has just found you guilty of doing a ton of corrupt shit. (Pardon the pun, but Holy Crap!!)
As you have announced that your "trust remains in the Lord", I feel it is my duty as The Holy Father, to give you, The Holy F Up, some guidance as you seek to atone for said un-saintly sins.
My words of wisdom will of course be based on the Ten Commandments, which I have rewritten to make them especially relevant to you because you seem utterly incapable of following the original ones.
Here therefore are my tenents. They're not written in stone, but if you want to learn where you went wrong and avoid upsetting the people of Virginia in the future, I would advise you to follow them religiously.
1. Thou shall not have any interest in dietary supplements from now on in. Now don't get me wrong, certain supplements may undoubtedly be good for your health, but clearly the ones being flogged by Jonnie Williams were NOT GOOD FOR YOU IN THE SLIGHTEST!! If you've got a penchant for tablets, try the ones that my son Moses brought back from the mountain a few thousand years ago. They'd be a lot better for you than Ana-banana-bloc or whatever the hell Williams calls them. And MY tablets are totally free!!
2. Thou shall not be led into temptation by the game of golf. It's a shit game for pussies any way and that $2,380 that I hear you charged to Jonnie Williams golf club card has just secured you a hole for one -- the "hole" being a VA state penitentiary and the "one", in case you haven't realized it yet, is YOU!
3. Thou shall not accept a $6,500 Rolex watch, a $3000 dollar watch, a $1000 watch or ANY kind of watch from anyone, ever again while you are in political office! It's ILLEGAL! Repeat. It's ILLEGAL! And the irony of it all is that stupid watch you accepted is going to lead to you serving time! (Watch", "Time", funny joke eh?? But oi vey, I digress.)
4. Thou shall never again present yourself as a man of "family values". Sadly, while you were in the Governor's mansion, the only thing your "family" appeared to "value" was the $177,000 of gifts, loans and checks y'all received from Jonnie What's-His-Face! (Son, I know I keep banging on about "give us this day our daily bread", but I didn't mean THAT you fool!!)
5. Thou shall not be a douche bag to thy wife. This one's tricky because your wife is clearly as much of a douche bag as you. But still, throwing her under the bus to save your own skin was not the act of a Virginia Gentleman, nor was it advisable. Remember this my boy: hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and hell is where you're surely going to end up, along with that devil of a wife! Yikes!
6. Thou shall not piss off Virginia women ever again. Honest to God (that's Me!), that vaginal ultrasound shit you tried to pull on them in 2012 wasn't cool. Women remember everything dear Bob, and as there were several women on your Virginia jury, it did not surprise me that every single one of them found you guilty as charged. Furthermore, I understand that they are all now praying for further probes into you while you sit in jail -- and of the anal variety too!! (Ooooohhhh!)
7. Thou shall not play any further part in restricting voting rights for the people of Virginia -- as you attempted to do by introducing Voter ID laws during your tenure as Governor. It hurts the poor, it hurts minorities and it's downright undemocratic. The ultimate irony of your actions my son is that now you're a convicted felon, you won't have the right to vote at all! Karma's a bitch my dear Bob, a total friggin' bitch!
8. Thou shall support LGBT rights now and forever more. I gather that at various points in your political career, including your time as Governor, you have tried to ban gay marriage, restrict benefits for gay state employees, and oppose gay adoption. I was surprised therefore to learn from my angels down on earth that you may currently be living with a gay priest!! (OMG Bob!!) Even though this is very hypocritical of you, I, God, do hereby bless this relationship, and hope that you will live happily ever after with your new partner -- while supporting gay rights and making up for all your gay wrongs at the same time!
9. Thou shall start believing in science before it's too late. And I don't mean "Star Science". You already believed in that and look where it got you! Nope, I mean actual science -- as in climate change, buddy. Yep, it's happening and there's a ton of scientific data to prove it, so I pray that you start supporting policies that protect the environment in Virginia immediately. (FYI, I can't really understand why you don't believe in science quite honestly. I mean you believe religiously in me, and no one has ever proved beyond a reasonable doubt that I actually exist!!)
And finally, here's the holy kicker in terms of my commandments:
10. Thou shall never present thyself as a "Christian" guy again. It is clear, from way up here inside the pearly gates, that you do not know the meaning of that word. So please refrain from taking my boy Jesus's name in vain! Thank you. In return, I will refrain from making any jokes about the "holier than thou" attitude you have constantly displayed in the past, because at the end of the day, I am God, and I should, well, resist the temptation to do that -- even though it's difficult. ☹
I trust that these commandments will be helpful to you and guide you as you prepare for life away from the spotlight and the sunlight. In that regard, I hear from my legal disciples that you may be sentenced to far more than 40 days and 40 nights for the sins you've committed.
Whatever happens, if you think you will avoid jail time completely after everything you've done, I would unfortunately have to say this:
My dearest son Bob Rolex McDonnell, you haven't got a prayer!