"Good evening y'all!! I know that you were expecting Governor Chris Christie, our Republican big dog, to give the keynote speech at our convention, but I'm pleased to say that after weeks of lobbying from the "Mutts for Mitt" Super Pac, Mitt has chosen his top dog for the job! And that would be me -- Seamus the (roof) top dog!!
So I'd like to begin by thanking the Governor for taking an unconventional route at this convention and allowing me to address all you red blooded, blue blooded pooches!
I stand four-legged before you today to tell you why my two-legged friend Mitt Romney should be the next president of the United States of America. YEEEAAAHHH!!
We need a president who's a best of breed kind of guy folks, and that would be Mitt! He's a fundamentally decent creature and a real good family man. And I can attest to that because Mitt always treated me as part of his family. Seriously, he didn't just throw me the occasional bone, he took me everywhere with Ann and her puppies!
And wherever we went, I got my own fully air-conditioned compartment on top of the family car!! (Well, it was fully air, rain, sleet and snow conditioned, but hey, at least I got to hang out with all my favorite Mormons apart from Donny and Marie!!) I'm telling you people, Mitt is going to treat you all like family when he becomes President, and look after you just like he looked after me!!
At this moment in our combined human and canine history, we also need a President who can fix the economy and focus on jobs. (Honest to God, all us furry folks are hurting as much you dudes. We can't even get hired as slipper fetchers at the moment!!)
So let me say this loud and clear: Mitt will do a fantastic job on the, pardon the pun, job front!! He proved in his time as CEO of Bain Capital that he knows how to create jobs (before he eliminates them), which is a truly great skill to have. And he has shown in his role as Chief Pooper Scooper for me, that he's really good at cleaning up shit, folks. So he does have all the experience he needs to be a wonderful president!!
And all you tea party cats and dogs can start partying like crazy because Mitt is going to implement all those beloved social policies when he gets to the White House. He'll abolish Planned Parenthood and Unplanned Dog-hood; he'll be a Rottweiler in his attempts to overturn Roe v Wade and Beagle v Poodle; and he'll ensure that marriage is forever defined as between a man and a woman and a male dog and a bitch!! So who's a good boy? Who is? Who is? That's right, Mitt!!
Mitt is going to be a terrific foreign policy President too!! I know he upset the Brits, the Palestinians, and almost the entire Arab world on his recent trip abroad, but with Mitt as President, we'll have sensational relationships with Switzerland, the Cayman Islands, and every "off shore" country on the planet!
And we'll develop great bonds with other important countries around the world as well. Yep, Mitt is just going to get out there and profess his love for Chinese imperial dogs, Afghan hounds, German shepherds, Japanese terriers, Mexican hairless dogs and British bulldogs, and trust me, all our foreign troubles will be over!!
When he gets his paws on the presidency, you can also rely on Mitt to put the right team together to run the country -- an incredibly right and nowhere near the center team!! Yeah!! He has in fact already demonstrated his determination to do that by choosing Paul Ryan as his vice presidential attack dog.
I know some of you are nervous about Paul Ryan's plans for the economy, but honestly, Paul won't let you down. Indeed, he's promised that once elected, he and Mitt will produce a budget that will have something in it for everyone -- a little bit for seniors, women, students, the middle class and the poor, and a little bit more for dogs of war and fat cats too!! (Our VP Cheesehead sure knows how to slice up our bread, people!!)
Before I end, I would like to make an announcement about er, Mitt Romney's tax returns. As you know, Mitt has refused to release more than two years worth of tax returns and never really explained why. However, Mitt has given me permission to finally spill the beans this evening. (Hey, why have a dog and bark yourself, right??)
So you know the phrase "the dog ate my homework"? Well, I have to say that in Mitt's case, the, um, "dog ate the tax returns!!" Yep, I did!! All of them! The paper versions, the disc versions, in fact all versions from the beginning of time all the way through 2009! So the press can keep asking, but I'm not regurgitating those tax returns any time soon. What can I tell you, Mitt's best friend sure as hell is his dog!!
I can now truly confirm folks, that Mitt is all set for this presidential race and is ready to be unleashed!! So ladies, gentlemen and canines of either sex, put your hands and your paws together and let's hear it for our Republican top dog, and the next top dog of the United States of America!! The one and only Mitt (mutt and people loving) Romney! YEEEAAAHHH!!