04/24/2012 06:09 pm ET Updated Jun 24, 2012

Tips on How to Keep Your Secret Service Secret

So people, as we all know, twenty-one members of the Secret Service have been implicated in a scandal that continues to unfold by the day -- a scandal that will be forever labeled as "Secret Service Gate," "Getting Smashed And Having Sex With Prostitutes While On Official Duty Gate," and even "Totally And Utterly Embarrassing Your Country By Acting Like A Douche Bag Gate."

Now, as I believe that it's imperative for the president to have reliable Secret Service agents under his command, I thought it might be useful for someone -- anyone!! -- to give the disgraced agents in question some little pointers on how to behave in future (if indeed they actually have a future).

So guys, here then are a few tips that may help you live up to that little thing called "an oath" that you took before you careered off to Colombia and careered off the rails. So check this out, you know what I mean??

  1. In case you've forgotten, the fundamental aspect of your job is to do everything quietly, discreetly and of course secretly. So even though your dark glasses, black suits, and walkie-talkies betray you as being Secret Service agents right from the get-go, try not to do anything else that may further blow your cover -- including allowing someone to (ahem) blow you!!
  2. When you are sent out as part of an "advance party" to help plan a presidential trip, remember this: The words "advance" and "party" are not invitations to you to make an "advance" of any kind to members of the local community, or "party" like there's no tomorrow.
  3. Always act soberly and honestly in the line of duty. In other words, resist the temptation to get totally and utterly blotto in local bars, and if you fail, don't cover up afterwards by trying to claim that terror suspects otherwise known as Jim Beam, Jack Daniels and Remy Martin spiked your drinks.
  4. Keep your nose clean at all times. So avoid getting into trouble at all costs, don't shove any illegal substances up your schnozzle, and please take care of any lingering boogers. You will, after all, need your nose in good working order so you can sniff out any threats to the president.
  5. Don't drop your guard at any time, and only drop your pants when going to the bathroom, going to bed alone, or when your superior insists that you have to, after first presenting you with an official signed order of course.
  6. Keep your gun at the ready, but try not to shoot yourself in the foot by doing anything that may comprise your ability to fulfill your mission. (Heads up, picking up 21 prostitutes in a bar and taking them back to your hotel, is not quite shooting yourself in the foot. It's more like shooting yourself in the foot, leg, arm, back and ass at the same time!!)
  7. Never forget that the only person you are meant to throw your body on in the line of duty is the president. Just for the record, Dania Suarez is currently not, and never will be, the President of the United States of America. So hey, quit throwing your body on her, or anyone else who isn't called Barack Obama for that matter.
  8. Use your Secret Service badge judiciously. Flashing it around after you've flashed everything else around -- including all your body parts -- and trashed a hotel room in the process is probably not a good idea. It won't endear you to the locals, the government of Colombia or anyone with half a brain back in America.
  9. Pay discreetly for any services that you receive while on active duty, even if they are services you should not be receiving -- like those provided by prostitutes for instance. And by the way, always pay your bills in full. That way, you will avoid having screaming matches with ladies of the night, during the following day, and having the local police arrive too.
  10. When you find yourself actually under attack -- i.e. when details of your various seedy activities start hitting the press here in the U.S -- please do the decent thing. Make an appointment to see your boss, confess everything immediately while talking into your sleeve as usual, and resign before you are fired. Then act like a real member of the Secret Service for once, and go quietly, discreetly and above all, secretly. (Yep, SECRETLY!!)