05/16/2014 12:50 pm ET Updated Jul 16, 2014

How the Firing of Jill Abramson Probably Happened

The full transcript, as obtained by my imagination, is below:

Arthur: Ah Jill, my favorite New York Times, 60-year-old woman journalist, come on in!

Jill: Wish you wouldn't call me that, but hey, why did you want to see me?

Arthur: Well, I wanted to personally tell you about one of the biggest news stories to hit the New York Times in years!

Jill: Russia's invaded Alaska? Karl Rove has had a lobotomy? Donald Sterling has announced his candidacy for the presidency??

Arthur: Nope, the story's about you actually and it's sure as hell going to make the front page!

Jill: Great! Are you promoting me??

Arthur: Nope, I'm firing you! That means the first woman Executive Editor of the New York Times has been canned after less than three years in the job! That's definitely front-page news!

Jill: Arthur, that's devastating! I've done a fantastic job for the New York Times since I've been Executive Editor. We've broken major stories, won Pulitzers galore, developed the Internet side of our business, and even our ad revenue is up, so why the hell are you firing me?

Arthur: Well, um, remember last year when you found out you were earning less than our previous Executive Editor Bill Keller, and you complained about it?

Jill: Yep...

Arthur: Bad, pushy woman move. It didn't go down well with the financial guys.

Jill: OK...

Arthur: And then there was your brusqueness with the newsroom folks. Yep, you were the boss, but honestly honey bunch, you were FAR to boss-yyy!! I mean all that "telling guys what to do" business, just didn't go down well with a lot of the, um, guys!

Jill: I see...

Arthur: And finally, remember that Dean Baquet guy who works for you -- the one who punched a hole in the wall after you tried to have a management conversation with him last year?

Jill: Er yep...

Arthur: Well, I can't name names obviously, but some executives with testicles complained that your management style was way, way, way too aggressive after that!

Jill: Seriously?!

Arthur: Yes! So when I took everything into account, I thought it was best to fire YOU and replace you with a less pushy, brusque and aggressive individual -- like that Dean Baquet guy who punched the hole in the wall!

Jill: You're kidding me!!

Arthur: It made total sense, Jill, total sense!

Jill: I'm speechless!

Arthur: Great! Because there's going to be no time for you to make speeches or say goodbye to the staff today! So let's figure out what it'll take to get you out of here, and then you and the New York Times can pardon the pun, turn the page.

Jill: Oh man! This is all because I'm a woman isn't it?

Arthur: Jill, seriously, how can you even think that? As you know, the New York Times has always supported women's rights. I mean, I know our female employees may feel like suing us for sex discrimination after today, but hey, shit happens.

Jill: It sure does!

Arthur: And as we totally believe in a woman's right to choose, I'm going to give you 10 minutes to choose between resigning or being fired!

Jill: I choose being fired!

Arthur: Good choice! I can see the headline on the front page now: Bitch Axed at New York Times After a Dogfight?

Jill: That's a bit too, well, brusque Arthur. I'd prefer The Grey Lady AXES the Grey (With Blonde Streaks in Her Hair) Lady.

Arthur: Done!! Thanks for everything, Jill, and as you walk out of here remember that in keeping with the New York Times' tradition, we again made all the news that's fit to print today.