02/13/2013 02:15 pm ET Updated Apr 15, 2013

Damn You, France!

France's National Assembly just said "Mais oui" to a bill that legalizes gay marriage and adoption. So now, in addition to having better food and sex than we do and a lower rate of heart disease despite all that butter and cream they eat -- and let's not forget all the wine -- the French have determined that their society should embrace human rights and equality while we Americans go on trying to figure out why we can't fit our fat asses into airplane seats any more. (Hint: it's the Big Macs. And Gulps. And -gie-Sized fries.) Damn you, France! And after we came over there in World War II and saved you and gave you syphilis.

The French seem to be on a roll these days. Disproving the "surrender monkey" canard (yes, it's a monkey duck) that right-wingers hung on them when they declined to participate in our War On Evil Or Terror Or Something in Iraq, the recent French incursion into Mali decisively pushed back brutal Islamic extremists with only one French death; when the inevitable insurgency ramps up (as it already has), the French will no doubt claim to have received an urgent call from their mistress and go home. I suspect the French have a strict policy of only invading Francophone countries; if the U.S. followed the same policy, we'd only go to war with Australia and the Brits, and hey, been there, done that, twice. Oh, and Canada, of course. Sorry, Canada. I always forget about you, mostly just to piss you off.

Now, I'm not suggesting that I want to move to France, or that they'd have me, after The Incident. (Seriously, if you drive a busload of singing nuns past my house, you are just asking for trouble.) I love the United Ss of A -- for one thing, it's the only country in the world where they speak American -- but just once in a while I'd like to find my country on the right side of history. (Or on a map, because of how I went to an American school.) I hate how on so many issues we have to run after Norway and oh let's just say Belize, shouting, "Hey, wait up, guys! Come on, slow down, that's not funny!" Health care, gay marriage, education... sure, we did recently have a petition on the White House site We The People to begin development of a Death Star, but, sadly, the White House shut that down, claiming that the U.S. has no desire to destroy any planets. Oh, really, White House? I don't recall anyone asking me about that. Not to mix mythologies, or actually to do exactly that, but I think we need to nip the Klingon Empire in the bud right goddamn now. Also, I suspect maybe if we get Skynet up and running, we can get on the good side of our future robot overlords and they'll give us all Terminators, which would decisively settle the gun-control issue, because would you rather have a gun or a Terminator?

(Dibs on a T-1000. You could crush the 800s far too easily in a pneumatic press, if you are Sarah Connor, and as far as I know you are.)

The gay marriage/adoption bill still has to go to the French Senate, but the Socialist Party (another thing we don't have in the U.S., unless you count those 200 college kids wearing hemp sandals and making avocado-squeezing gestures with their fingers) controls that body too, so it should sail through. Damn you, France and your humanity and delicious food and wine! If it weren't for Gerard Depardieu, and as always those goddamn mimes and, sure, berets, I'd have to admit that yours might be a superior culture. Maybe we Americans should just start speaking French, so you'll invade us.

Ha! Americans speaking another language: I crack myself up sometimes.