09/14/2012 03:16 pm ET Updated Nov 14, 2012

Don't Let Mitt Romney Be Mitt Romney

If Mitt Romney were not so very dreadful, you could almost feel sorry for the guy. I mean, there he is, putting himself out there with nothing between him and utter ruin but several hundred million dollars, and all he wants for Christmas in his little-boy-Mitt heart, all he dreams of and yearns for is the Presidency of the United States -- and by God wherever he turns, whatever he does or says, one person stands between him and that goal: Mitt Romney. "Gosh darn that Romney fellow," he must say in his most bitter moods. "Gosh darn him straight to the telestial kingdom!"

Take the crisis in Libya, when the U.S. consulate was breached and the U.S. ambassador killed. I have no doubt that Mitt Romney wanted to do what any decent candidate, what any decent person would do when faced with that situation: support his Commander-in-Chief in a time of crisis, stand in solidarity with his nation and forget for the time being his own political ambitions. But then that darn Mitt Romney guy released a statement that condemned the President and the staff of the Cairo embassy, then later stepped up to a lectern in Florida to double down on that statement, saying, "I think it's a -- a terrible course for America to stand in apology for our values." How Mitt Romney must have fumed! That Mitt Romney guy had no right to condemn the President for things he didn't say, nor to condemn diplomats facing imminent danger for a statement issued in an attempt to defuse the situation, when Mitt Romney himself had made it clear that he would say anything for no better reason than to get whatever tiny political advantage he could eke out of any situation. The gall of the man! Mitt Romney certainly meant to give that Mitt Romney a stern talking-to, and perhaps even a piece of his mind.

Sadly, this was not the first time that Mitt Romney has stood between Mitt Romney and his better instincts. As far back as prep school, Mitt Romney held a gay classmate down and shaved off his hair while Mitt Romney stood by helplessly. Mitt Romney wanted his former employer, investment firm Bain Capital, to build up the companies it bought, providing good jobs for thousands of Americans -- but Mitt Romney forced Mitt Romney and Bain to instead loot those companies and fire all their workers -- then lied and claimed he'd created thousands of jobs! Mitt Romney -- a good and honest man, a pillar of his community, wherever that might be (the Caymans?), and a bishop of his Church, has been kept away from the horde of people eager to vote for him -- bloc-blocked, if you will -- by none other than Mitt Romney. Will no one rid him of this meddling beast?

Oh, and Mitt Romney isn't nearly done messing with Mitt Romney. Romney sees no good reason not to release his tax returns for the past 10 years -- indeed, he yearns to -- but that crazy fool Romney continues to keep them buried. As recently as a few weeks ago, Romney stood with televangelist and renowned crazy person Pat Robertson to weirdly recite the Pledge Of Allegiance and further pledge not to take the word "God" off our coinage -- implying that President Obama meant to -- after Romney pleaded with him not to pander so shamelessly to the evangelical Christians who see right through his phony piety.

Back in the day, Republican pundits called on Ronald Reagan's handlers to "Let Reagan be Reagan." Today, though, being Romney hasn't worked for Romney, because Romney is a horrible candidate. If only his campaign had worked with the Mitt Romney whom that very sweet Ann Romney is married to. He seemed nice.