02/19/2012 03:39 pm ET Updated Apr 20, 2012

Is Facebook Overvalued?

Many financial pundits, several of whom were not English majors two years ago, have since Facebook's recent IPO raised the question: Is Facebook overvalued? Since my ancestry is Jewish, the answer is and can only be another question: For what?

As a medium for the dissemination of cute cat pictures and cute dog pictures, Facebook is unparalleled in the history of media for the dissemination of cute cat pictures and cute dog pictures. The ancient Greeks, as they chiseled pictures of cute cats and dogs into stone blocks, could only dream that a medium like Facebook would one day exist, allowing individuals who wished to make others involuntarily say, "Awwwwww..." to do so on a global scale. As responsible financial analysts, we must value this function of Facebook at no less than eleventy-jillion dollars. American, not that fake Canadian stuff.

Use real money, Canada! Jeez. I'm speaking here as a financial analyst. Also, stop saying "aboot."

But I digress.

Also, never before in history have so many annoying people been able to find you and be annoying. (Not just the cat- and dog-picture people.) Never before have friends of friends of people you would walk at least a few blocks out of your way to avoid been able to keep up a steady stream of nonsense that you don't know how to stop without unfriending them -- and I'm pretty sure if you do unfriend them they can get your email address, or maybe even your home address, resulting in them serenading you with nonsense outside your condo's windows, possibly accompanied by a mariachi band. (We've all heard a lot about those privacy issues on Facebook, have we not? This is one, or would be if I hadn't just totally made it up.) Thus, Facebook has staked out its domain as the leading supplier of services to the annoying community. Well done, Facebook. That right there should up the company's value by well over a cool (or cold and blustery) blizzillion. There are a lot of annoying people; some studies suggest that 102.4 percent of Facebook's active posters are in fact Annoying-Americans.

And of course, Facebook offers one's Republican relatives a unique venue -- except for Thanksgiving dinner -- for telling you what a brilliant thinker Newt Gingrich is and what a handsome successful man Mitt Romney is, and also making vaguely racist statements about Barack Obama. (And yes, Mom, Ron Paul is a doctor, and no I'm not, and no, I don't know what makes me think I'm smarter than him -- except for the things he says -- but I'm still not buying gold coins, okay? I'd just lose them in the snack machine.) If Facebook could only get together with oh let's say the Koch brothers to maximize this source of revenue, Mark Zuckerberg might finally be able to realize his dream of one day having enough money to build a whole new Mark Zuckerberg out of parts he bought from poor people: Frankenzuckerberg. If we're to believe that movie, though, he still won't be able to attract a girlfriend. And before you say it: a girlfriend, not a "girlfriend."

(No, mom, I'm still not dating nice Jewish girls. Because of how I stopped being Jewish a long time ago. Yes, I am responsible for the destruction of the Jewish people; thanks for pointing that out.)

Adding all these precise valuations -- hey, look, I put numbers in my analysis, just, you know, not real ones -- and carrying the 4, which apparently for some reason that I must have missed in third grade you always have to do, we must conclude that Facebook's IPO was not overvalued, unless you thought maybe you'd buy some of that Facebook stock and make money, in which case, Ha! Sucks to be you! If I had a spare few thousand lying around -- and my kids majored in English and art history at private universities, so I totally don't -- I would invest it not in Facebook stock, but in cornering the world supply of yogurt-covered peanuts, because those things are delicious and therefore way undervalued, unlike gold coins. Well, chocolate gold coins are pretty good, I guess. I'm allergic though, so that's a sell recommendation.