12/18/2012 03:45 pm ET Updated Feb 17, 2013

Dear Modern People: Psych! -- Love, The Mayans

Hey, modern people! How's it going? All of you making preparations for the big end of the world coming up in a few days?

Really? You are? How did you people ever conquer us anyway? Because, you know what? We were totally kidding. Oh, and you know what also? You can give us back all our gold anytime now.

I mean, sure, one of our 5,125 year calendar periods is coming to an end on December 21st, but, c'mon, do you people think the world is going to end every time one of your calendars ends? Or do you just get a new one, with like pictures of kittens or decorative shrubs of the world? If we were still around, we would so be buying out Amazon's stock of kitty calendars. I mean, 5,125 years is a long time to have a Pigs On Parade calendar on your kitchen wall. Our calendar makers pretty much had to scour Yucatan for kitty pictures every five thousand years or so. Also, we had to draw them by hand. In stone.

Anyway, we feel a little guilty about our big joke on you. Really, we're sorry. We thought it was funny, seeing as how you conquered and enslaved us. Fair's far, you know?

Some of you have suggested -- well, shrieked -- that we predicted the end of the current age in some kind of cosmic disaster. Now, it's true that we were pretty good at astronomy, but you know we never invented telescopes, right? So "good at astronomy" is kind of a relative thing. Chart the phases of the moon and Venus? Check! Detect a giant killer planet coming to destroy the Earth a few centuries after we're dead? Er... not so check. Also, don't you people think you would see something like that? Well, maybe not if it were made of glass. But then it'd just break when it hit the Earth. Duh. Don't you have Christmas ornaments? Still wondering how you people conquered us. We must have all had colds that day. Or possibly you had guns.

I'll tell you, I really wish we had invented the telescope, so we could have seen you guys coming to conquer us. You know what else I wish we'd invented? Cannons, you bastards. So, look, about that gold...

Rest assured, modern people, we didn't know jack about any cosmic disaster, and your astronomers -- who, incidentally, do have telescopes, so well done, modern astronomers -- have been telling you over and over that nothing untoward would happen. You'd have to be utter morons to think that an ancient calendar system and some New Age double-talk really foretells the end of life on Earth. Surely you're smarter than that?

Hm? What? What's a Honey Boo Boo?

The Mayans

P.S. Still really want the gold back. We'll even pay shipping.