11/01/2012 10:27 am ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

Dear Mitt: It's Not You, It's Us the People

Dear Mitt:

It's been great, this thing we've had. The horse-dancing, your son threatening to beat up the president, your lies about simultaneously lowering taxes and balancing the budget -- it's all been pretty thrilling. You've given us a new view of ourselves, as mooching parasites on the body politic, and we thank you for that. You know we've always had self-esteem issues, and seeing what you thought of us made us feel so... well, awful, but in a good way.

But lately we've been thinking that it just isn't working. We've started to believe that everything you've promised to do on Day One of the Romney administration might wind up hurting us both emotionally and also in the sense of killing us deader than Paul Ryan's vacant soulless granny-murdering eyes. Your vow to defund FEMA and send the responsibility for emergency action back to the states or even private enterprise -- it just felt so insensitive to my needs, specifically the need to rescue millions of people from raging floodwaters during and after the storm of the century. (Thanks for collecting canned food at your political rallies; it was so rude of the Red Cross to say that your useless grandstanding was a futile gesture.) So I think we need to go our separate ways, us to vote for President Obama, you to make several hundred million more dollars by shipping American jobs to China.

It's not you, Mitt, it's us. Well, no, actually, it is you.

For one thing, Mitt, half of us are women, and we just don't think you're going to be good to us. Let's say all 150 million of us who are women marry you -- and it's great that your religion allows that, I'll give you that -- and you expect us to stay home and take care of the kids we have to give birth to even when we're raped; does that mean that those of us who have to work -- because we're 47 percent moochers and we insist on buying luxuries like food and shelter -- will still make only 77 percent of what men do? Your spokeswoman said "No, no," but your eyes said, "Yes, yes." And we don't like your friends, Mitt, like that Ryan guy you're always hanging around with; he gives you crazy ideas, for example that personhood amendment that would outlaw contraception and in-vitro fertilizations. You say they're not your ideas, Mitt, but no one told you that you had to hang around with that P90X-crazed gym-rat, did they?

We just don't know who you are anymore, Mitt. Are you the guy who implemented a healthcare plan exactly like Obamacare as the governor of Massachusetts, or are you the guy who says he's going to repeal Obamacare as part of your Day One meth-rage? We assume you're going to have to smoke some serious crystal to get everything done that you've said you're going to on Day One: repeal Obamacare, lower the tax rate on corporations and millionaires to 25 percent, single-handedly build the Keystone pipeline. (I know Mormons can't take caffeine or smoke cigarettes, but smoking meth is OK, right? Be careful, though: I'm guessing the White House has a lot of smoke detectors.) Are you the guy who wants to give $5 trillion of that tax money that we so joyfully hand to the IRS on threat of imprisonment to the top 1 percent or the guy who said in the debate that he's going to close tax loopholes so they don't get any of our money? (In which case, why lower their tax rates at all?) We don't feel that we can trust anything you say any more, Mitt. I mean, how do we know that you're really going to buy us a pony? Didn't you promise that? Maybe that was our mom. She didn't deliver either.

We don't object to your lying to us, Mitt. We expect lies from a politician we're involved with. We just object to the bald-faced obviousness of your lies, Mitt. It's like you have no respect for us or our intelligence. When you tell us -- if we are the state of Ohio, and let's just say that we are -- that the president put Chrysler into bankruptcy and sent jobs to China, it hurts, Mitt; Chrysler itself had to call bullshit on that one. Have you ever heard of the psychological concept of projection, Mitt? That's where you attribute your own problems and failings to someone else. We don't think you're doing that, Mitt. We think you're just a lying sack of shit.

Oh, really, Mitt? You don't lie? You're just digging a deeper hole here, Mitt. Why do you have to be this way? Oh, another example? Fine, let's go back to the beginning of our relationship, back when every lie you told seemed fresh and new and just for us. Remember how you told us that the president had "robbed" Medicare of $716 billion? When in fact he'd actually extended Medicare's life -- you could even say saved it -- by reducing payments to doctors and hospitals who overcharged? God, it makes us so sad to think how little effort you're putting into your lies these days. Like telling us that you're going to reduce the deficit with your sketchy budget plan... oh, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt. As that nice Southern man in Charlotte said, it's just arithmetic. And while we're 39th in the world in math, we do have calculators.

And on top of all that, Mitt, well, we just feel like you're hiding things from us. Your tax returns, just e.g. An electorate likes a little mystery in its candidate, true, but we do want to know our man and if he deducted his car elevator as a business expense.

So, Mitt, we want you to feel free to see other countries. Monaco is nice and full of rich people like you, and its military consists of three old guys with crossbows, so it's not like you could get them into a war with Iran, though we're sure you'll give it your best shot. (Hee! Shot? Get it? No, of course not, Mitt, because you have no sense of humor.) In time you'll forget us, and we will forget you, probably by the Thursday after election day.

All the best,
We the People