01/22/2012 03:46 pm ET Updated Mar 23, 2012

I Of Newt

Good evening, my fellow Americans. On this, the occasion of my first State Of the Union address to the nation as the President of the United States, allow me to say unequivocally and without wavering: you are so freakin' screwed.

Now, I understand that when you elected me, you were hoping that I would attend to the plight of the middle class and the poor -- to your plight. Sadly (for you -- for me it's kind of cool), I will instead be attending to the plight of those whose generosity and greed put me into the highest office in the land: the rich and powerful, our corporate overlords, and of course the Chinese, without whose generous contributions I might not have been able to have had Mitt Romney drowned in a vat of lead paint intended for our children's toys. Well, your children's toys. My children -- when I have them with the harem of concubines I plan to select from amongst the daughters of the former middle class -- will play only with toys fashioned from pure gold and unicorn horn. Oh, Callista, don't cry, honey. You'll still be my number-one wife. Unless you get cancer or MS.

I understand your disappointment. You may well say, "But Newt, you lied to us!" Yeah. True dat. Sorry. My bad. And in my defense, it's not like you can do anything about it. Oh, yeah, that's not so much defense as exultation. My bad again.

I promised you an end to the misery of unemployment, and I do intend to keep that promise by ending those damnable regulations that have kept our country from being fully able to compete in the global markets. At first I thought, let's abolish the child-labor and minimum wage laws. As I've said before, why shouldn't children work? The big ones can do the work of a full-grown person, and the little ones can fit inside pipes and machinery where big people can't go -- we promise never to start them up with the children inside. (Unless they take a long time getting out.) Nor do we need a minimum wage, because there is in fact a natural minimum wage: you can't make less than nothing, can you? But I realized: that just doesn't go far enough. No, my fellow Americans, we must also abolish the 13th Amendment. You know what was wrong with slavery the first time around? It unfairly discriminated against black people. By executive order, from tonight forward, we will be auctioning off the workforce -- without regard to race, creed or national origin, I hasten to point out. From now on, those of you who used to be wage slaves will just be slaves. Simple. Just like you great folks who voted for me.

Unemployment? Solved. Next!

On a personal note, many of you know that I have been affected deeply by the tragedy of cancer. Had my first wife not contracted cancer, I would never have served her divorce papers as she was recovering from cancer surgery -- after all, cancer surgery is not just something you have for fun. I would like to commit our nation to curing cancer by the end of this decade -- but only for people who have enough money to pay for the cure. The rest of you can of course and as usual suck it.

Which brings me to the repeal of the so-called healthcare-reform bill. Many of you who were perspicacious enough to vote for me hated this legislation above all the other works of the demonic administration preceding ours, and railed against the evil it wrought on your lives even before it actually went into effect. And rightly so; how it must have worried you thinking that if you got ill, you might actually get treatment. Fear no more; unless you can purchase a hospital wing (or a leg or thigh; we're not picky), your only recourse from now on will be witch doctors with bones through their nose. Don't go to the ones without bones through their nose -- they're totally useless.

And finally, on this auspicious occasion, as we prepare for all-out war with Iran, North Korea and Liechtenstein (that one should be quick), please allow me to express my gratitude to this our great nation. Where else could a serial adulterer get a bunch of puritan yahoos to entrust him with the ability to steal their liberty, the fruits of their labor and, yes, pretty soon their marriageable daughters? I am deeply deeply humble.

Well, not really. But you knew that. And still voted for me.