01/23/2013 07:03 pm ET Updated Mar 25, 2013

The Inaugural Address Obama Should Have Given

President Obama's second inaugural speech, like his first, soared on rhetorical wings, leaving the rest of us far below, gaping up -- and that's a problem for the president, because eventually, reality will crap in our upturned faces. Progressive Obama makes the speeches, but Centrist Obama sits behind that desk in the Oval Office, so inevitably liberals, expecting him to govern as beautifully as he speaks, will turn on him. (I know I will if he fails to appoint Snooki as Secretary Of Spray-Tanning.) My feeling: he should have lowered expectations in this second inaugural address. Laid out the facts. Been blunt. Here's the speech I think Obama should have given, maybe holding a puppy. Who can be mad at a guy holding a puppy? Or a pot-bellied pig:

Vice President Biden, Mr. Chief Justice, Members of the United States Congress, corporate overlords, ordinary people we've invited as window dressing, celebrities here so that people will care about the inauguration, hobbits, defense contractors, gremlins, talking mules and lobbyists who are paying for all this:

When we gather to inaugurate a president, we celebrate our Constitution and all the many ways a few very rich people and corporations manipulate it to choose our leaders to benefit only them. It humbles me to think that the will of the people -- and a billion or so dollars -- brought me here today. In honor of that stirring display of democracy, I plan to rename my office the Citicorp Presidency Of the United States.

The past four years have not been easy; I have grown many grey hairs, which I've named. This one here above my forehead? I call it Boehner. That one? McConnell. I'd show you Gohmert, but I don't think it's dignified for a president to pull down his pants in the middle of an inaugural address.

Sure, I could tell you that in my second term these guys will start to be rational, non-obstructionist actual human beings, but we all know that's bullshit. (Can I say "bullshit" in my inaugural speech? Hell, yeah! I'm the Commander-In-Chief, bitch.) Also bullshit: telling you that we won't launch any more drone strikes, or kill any more American citizens without trial.

The gap between the rich and the poor in this country has never yawned so wide as it does now; we must make some token effort to address that inequality, because actually addressing it by raising taxes significantly on the rich -- yeah, forget that. Hell, even raising the top rate to 39 percent -- 3 measly percent -- gets the rightwingnuts all lathered up. Hey, remember when we had a middle class? Yeah, me too. Good times. Most of you idiots listening to my words couldn't care less about fixing the income gap, because you all think you're going to win the lottery and become millionaires and Oh, we wouldn't want to tax those imaginary Lotto millions, or because you're all excited about denying equal rights to gay or black people or criminalizing abortion or some stupid shit. Or you're rooting for a sports team that matters more to you than your family. Go large aggressive land mammals!

We have made a start on providing affordable healthcare to all Americans, and I want to tell you that we will push on until we have a system half as good as Liechtenstein's; I want to tell you that, but I can't. Hey, a significant fraction of the country thinks I'm a "socialist" and a "Nazi" -- simultaneously, which is actually quite the combo, and demonstrates the failings of our school system, something else about which I plan to do nothing -- because of what I've already done on Obamacare. Those assholes would go crazy -- well, crazier -- if I pushed for single-payer healthcare. And those morons have guns. About which I also plan to do very little that isn't largely cosmetic, and even that will drive them nuts; in their defense, it's a short drive.

My fellow Americans, we were made for this moment, and we will seize it -- and run like hell, because it totally belongs to the Chinese and they want it back, along with all our national monuments, national parks and the state of Wyoming, which they have renamed New Szechuan, and which will offer an extensive takeout menu to all the Western states. Seriously, we borrowed a lot of money from those guys over the last decade. Thank god we invested that borrowed money wisely, in blowing the crap out of Iraqis and Afghans and giving large tax gifts to millionaires and billionaires. Otherwise, our economy would suck. So we will seize this moment and run like hell and put it under our jackets, because there are a hell of a lot of Chinese people, many of them quite fast. We might have to hand off the moment to France or Germany once we get out of the store.

We, the people, will continue the pursuit of happiness, and the Chinese will continue the pursuit of us, because happiness belongs to them too. We, the people have the right to life and liberty, unless someone accuses us of being a terrorist, at which point the rest of us lose our shit and blow that dude up with Hellfire missiles or render his ass to Gitmo. And we, the people, are all created equal, but that doesn't mean you'll get past the bouncer at a club unless you're rich, famous or good-looking. Or it's a lame club no one wants to go to.

And finally, may I just say that, no matter whether or not she lip-synced, Beyonce killed the National Anthem? I mean, does it matter if she lip-synced? Hell, I'm lip-syncing this speech. In fact, I plan to lip-sync my whole second administration. Seriously, I'm going to be on a beach in the Bahamas somewhere, pre-recording everything. I can taste that first mojito right now. Yum! I mean, seriously, I tried, but I've pretty much had it with you people. You're on your own. Waiter! Another mojito!

What was I saying? Oh, right. Thanks for electing me again. I guess. Okay, let's shoot off some artillery and give the gun-nuts a stiffy! Boom! Boom! Boom!