02/28/2014 08:45 am ET Updated Apr 30, 2014

All The Places I Think Girl Scout Cookies Should Be Sold

Paul Morigi via Getty Images

First appeared on Food Riot, by Kit Steinkellner

A bajillion props to the Girl Scout who decided to sell cookies outside of a medical marijuana dispensary. That's the kind of out-of-the-box (pun absolutely intended) thinking that leads to future Einsteins and Zuckerbergs. I bet that troop made a bejeezus load of money by being in the right place at the right time peddling the right merch.

Which got me thinking: Where else should Girl Scouts be selling their cookies? I always see them outside the grocery store, which isn't the worst move (kid sees cookies coming in, whines about them in the cart the entire time their mom is buying groceries, when parent and child come out of the store mom is bullied by child into buying Thin Mints and she's so sick of the tantrum-ing she just gives in, that's how parenting works, right?) Still, as in The Case of Why Aren't More Girl Scout Troops Setting Up Shops Outside Marijuana Dispensaries, I've got to think there are bigger, better places our Scouts should be selling their wares. Below a list.


Think of that $20 bill from allowance burning a hole in that teenager's pocket. Now multiply that teenager by 500 or 2,000 and you've got a large consumer population with a high metabolism, a little disposable income, and no parents (on campus). If those scouts hustled from their middle school right as the bell rang, they'd catch their older sisters and brothers right before sports practice/play rehearsal/detention/etc.


The DMV is so boring and depressing and anyone waiting in line to get their license or renew their registration or whatever other bullshit you do at the DMV and while you're waiting, like, two hours to fill out one f--ing form, you can slip outside for three minutes and buy a box of samoas because you're a good person and you don't deserve to wait in line at the DMV, no one does, only warlords and child slavers deserve that fate, so of course you're going to soften the blow of a wasted morning with a box of cookies and of course you're going to eat half the box while you're waiting for B24 or whatever-the-f number you are to be called.


The same basic idea as the DMV, there are a lot of people going to the courthouse for boring or sad reasons (or boring and sad, worst of the worst) and could use a little bit of sunshine in the form of cuties and cookies.


Actually, I have seen the Girl Scout booth outside my local bookstore and I think it's a great call because I have my stack of books and that makes me want a stack of snacks. That said, the library's a better move. Because after I've left a bookstore, I've probably spent $15 to $50, and then an addition $20 on top of that is... more money spent. But when I leave the library, I've spent no money -- well, maybe $5 in late fees if I've had a particularly spacey month, but still, I haven't spent any money on books -- so I'm much more likely to spend it on sweets. Also, can you guys imagine the profits a Girl Scout troop could make swarming the library after story hour? Bank on bank on bank!


Think of all the sad kids getting shots and stomping out of the doctor's office prepared to take all their rage out on their parents for the rest of the day. And think of how much less those kids would hate their parents if said parents bought said children a box of cookies. You're welcome, Parents of America Just Trying to Get Through The Day and Keep Your Kids Vaccinated Against Terrifying Diseases.


I heard that once you get to be super-old you can say and do -- and most importantly, eat -- whatever you want because bikini season at 25 is a very different thing from bikini season at 84. Plus, how are a bunch of old people not going to love a bunch of button-nosed cuties tromping in and distributing refined sugar? It can be a combo community service/cookie buying day!


People sneak in their own snacks into movie theaters all the time (that's what big purses are for) so it makes so much sense for Girl Scouts to position themselves right across the street from the movie theater as the leading choice of snack to be snuck in. And if the ushers check your bag (which they never do) or give you a hard time (which they shouldn't, because you're probably an adult and they're probably 14), just slip them cookies instead of hush up money and be on your merry way.

Anyone else have any ideas re: where Girl Scouts should be selling their cookies?

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