05/28/2014 12:08 pm ET Updated Jul 25, 2014

Hey, I Just Thought of Something Else

I went to an existential strip club, where I spent a fortune on lap dances. But what does it all mean?

I don't like that the atheists are trying to take "In God We Trust" off of the money that I use to buy cocaine.

The worst part about being on trial for murder is that my best character witness can't take the stand because I murdered him.

If I ever meet Nick Nolte, I'm going to say, "You look so much better in person."

If I die, I want to be buried. But if I survive, I want to be cremated.

If everyone on the planet was old, then who would be left to take away our car keys?

There's literally nothing I despise more than hyperbole.

To spice up our sex lives, my wife and I agreed to swap partners.

You know what you never hear? "They're having a Downton Abbey marathon over at the frat house."

Every week, I spend a thousand dollars on "Win a $1000 a Week for Life" scratch-offs.

My parents threw me out of the house the day I graduated from high school. (Though, in fairness, I was 32.)

My poetry book hit #1 on the New York Times Poetry Best-Seller List! I want to thank the 7 people who bought it.

My fiancée has decided that when we get married, she doesn't want to change her porn name.

I don't care what people think about me because I know they all like me.

When I die, I want to be buried in heaven.

My way-too-personal trainer made me run 4 miles and then confessed that he and his wife no longer have sex.

If everyone looked exactly the same, I bet Lindsay Lohan would still look ten years older.

Women are attracted to men with a good sense of humor about their Porsche.

"I'm just waiting for the right project to come along." - (fill in name of unemployed sit-com star from the 1990s)

I'm 200 lbs overweight. But I can't decide whether to lose it via surgery or on a reality show.

I name my pets after my biggest fears. "Sit, Herpes, sit!"

How do you know if there are job openings at a store that makes "Help Wanted" signs?

I did not accuse you of stuffing our Scrabble set down my throat! Now you're just putting words in my mouth.

I lost my virginity while skydiving because I wanted my first time to be special.

They say that when you become rich & famous, you end up losing all your friends. But there are other reasons why I want to become rich & famous, too.

One day I hope to have children so I can tell them how I wasted my life.

I came here to drink beer, go out and get more beer, and kick ass. And we're almost out of beer.

You control your own destiny... unless your parents named you "Destiny", in which case you're probably gonna be a stripper.

Hey! I lost ten pounds beating the crap out of Jared, that annoying Subway guy.

I wanted a tattoo that really expresses who I am. So I got a tattoo of me getting a tattoo.

I want to buy a new Ferrari, but the car dealership doesn't take Discover.

I finally got around to watching The Life of Pi. I thought it was never gonna end.

If I win the lottery, I'm going to quit my job as a lottery player.

I hope 'future me' goes back in time and tells me that I invented a 'time machine'. It would give me more incentive to get started.

How many senior citizens does it take to change a light bulb? (Yeah, it's an old joke.)

I'm glad they cut our school's budget because now we get to have class outside!

I called 1-800-Eat-Shit. The person who answered the phone wanted to know how your driving was.

The worst part about being stuck here in prison is that I absolutely hate cable TV.

Let's just agree to disagree about where we're meeting tonight.

Think of a number between 1 and 2. There is a 50% chance I'm about to amaze you.

We're at the top of the food chain. Arby's is at the bottom.

I've been hit in the head more times than I can remember.

I just found out God was in a serious accident. I would pray for his recovery, but what's the point?

High school graduation is a special time because it means you can finally sleep with your teachers.

I have a gun and I'm not afraid to use it. (I use it as a paperweight.)

On Father's Day, all my Facebook friends posted such nice comments about their fathers. I'm surprised because all my Facebook friends are strippers.

My marital vows are very important to me and my mistress.

I feel like a man trapped in a transgendered woman's body.

If I had to get a face tattoo, it would be a picture of the back of my head.

The way I warn my kids against texting while they drive is to remind them if they die in a car crash, they won't be able to text.

One of the things on my Bucket List was "crossing something off my Bucket List." But that was stupid so I crossed it off my Bucket List.

If Gandhi were alive today, he'd make a fortune.

Would you rather have world peace or be slightly more attractive? Me, too.

Judge rules guy who went underground to steal all that coal should be tried as a miner.

I wish I could be Superman for a day so I could feel what it would be like to work at a newspaper.

You know what nobody ever said on their death bed? "I regret not following Mark Wahlberg on Twitter."

I dance on where my enemies' graves will be, just in case I die first.

I'm stopping at EXXXon for gas and porn.

Being bisexual is not a "choice". People are born pretending they're not 100% gay.

If graffiti is art, then bank robbery is "theater."

We need to keep kids off drugs unless they have a prescription.

My bread refuses to have its picture taken. It's a terrible roll model.

My wife and I can't decide what to name our new baby so we're giving him up for adoption.

I can't start my day without a cup of coffee... or at least something to wash down my OxyContin.

You're the top floor of the house and you're on crack. It's time to admit that you're a drug attic.

When wealthy children go to the beach, do they make sand slums?

I loved The Lone Ranger movie because I'm a huge fan of Johnny Depp being annoying.

There's no 'I' in "can't stand my teammates."

I hope my new wife gets a chance to meet my current wife.

I DVR the entire season of The Biggest Loser and then watch the episodes in reverse because I like to watch people gain mass amounts of weight.

On Facebook, I have my privacy settings at "everyone has to see my personal information even if they don't want to."

I'm taking my son to a baseball game because he's still too young to understand that it's boring.

I'm joining the Church of Scientology because it seems like the best way to get my screenplay to Tom Cruise.

I'm thinking of having plastic surgery in order to look more like Joan Rivers.

One time I went without food for two weeks. But I survived on McRib sandwiches from McDonalds.

I named my son Rosebud, but I won't tell him what it means until the very end of his life.

I'm too impatient to listen to an entire monologue. But I'd be willing to go see The Vagina Quips.

"I love U, but I need my space."- Q's breakup speech

If God made man in His image, then God must be putting on some pounds.

My wife & I are so close that we keep the door open when we go the bathroom on each other.

My doctor told me that I'm going to die at some point.

Don't criticize your kids for listening to Justin Bieber. Remember when we were their age, we were listening to One Direction.

I watch the nightly news to catch up with what's going on in prescription drug commercials.

Statistically speaking, flying in an airplane is actually much safer than flying in a car.

I will only join cults that accept me as their lord & savior.

Luckily, my sex addiction counselor is really hot... just in case the counseling doesn't work.

Someone get the license plate of that guy who just stole my car!

I saw a 13-year-old clown, but I think that's too young to be wearing make-up.

Before Einstein theorized that "E=Mc2", what did scientists think E equaled?

The policeman who stopped me for stopping was a really cool guy. He let me off without a warning.

You know what nobody ever asks for on their death bed? Diet soda.

My kids make fun of me because I still use an old landline phone to call my coke dealer.

My goal is to write for CSI because I have so many great ideas about twisted ways to murder people.

It's wonderful when people adopt shelter dogs. But I'd prefer to have my own biological pets.

2005 just called. It wants its "'something' just called: it wants its 'thing that we associate with that specific something'" back.

My wife and I already have three boys. So now that she's pregnant again, we're really hoping for a girl to replace our third son.

Here's a kids joke for adults: What happened when the elephant drank beer? He got trunk.

I'm very close to my kids, and they know that they can always email me about anything.