05/15/2014 10:47 am ET Updated Jul 15, 2014

Hey, I Just Thought of Something

My friend died before I had a chance to tell him how much he meant to me. (So now he'll never know that he didn't mean that much to me.)

I broke up with my girlfriend because she always brings suitcases on our dates... and I just can't deal with all her baggage.

Do you know what you never hear? "And I owe it all to Ryan Seacrest."

Winning the lottery would finally give me the chance to buy all those friends I've always wanted.

I'm not embarrassed about failing the math exam because I studied hard and gave 110 percent.

I have an unopened DVD copy of Green Lantern on my shelf because I still haven't gotten around to throwing it away.

I believe that after we die, we're reincarnated as zombies.

I went to the Dollar Store yesterday. I bought laundry detergent, a bag of pretzels, and 1/20 of a lap dance.

I take one-third of the Bible literally, another one-third of the Bible figuratively, and the other one-third I just ignore.

Amongst my top 10 best friends are about five or six acquaintances.

If I could have dinner with any three people, living or dead, I would pick Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, and Khloe Kardashian.

Number one on my "Bucket List" is to come up with a bucket list. I don't have a number two yet.

I think it's unfair that it's so hard for older actresses in Hollywood to find good roles in the Transformers movies.

Middle America is finally starting to reflect Hollywood's lack of values.

It's normal for kids to have a crush on their babysitter. (My babysitter was former Vice President Dick Cheney.)

I had this weird premonition that I was going to die today. But I don't believe in premonitions so I'm not canceling my plans to hang myself.

I don't like movies about classical music because I'm uncomfortable with graphic violins.

I like sex. But I hate traffic. Hence, I have mixed feelings about sex trafficking.

I refuse to stand for The Pledge of Allegiance to the Chair.

Until every American has the right to marry the person they love, I refuse to buy anyone a wedding gift.

To identical twins, I bet we are the ones who all look the same.

JC Penny is having its annual back-to-summer-school sale for delinquents.

I'm too embarrassed to see a doctor for a colonoscopy -- so I usually just ask a random person on the street to do it.

Rihanna's dress is on display at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame... which is sort of like the Baseball Hall of Fame displaying Joe Namath's helmet.

Attractive people inspire all of us to become better looking.

A few years ago I had a one-night stand with my soul mate. I should give her a call one of these days.

I'm trying to raise money for levitation research.

It's so sad and tragic. My entire family was murdered by a psychotic abbreviation, LOL.

There used to be a tavern in front of my house. Then I was arrested. But now I'm back behind bars.

Today is the 50th anniversary of 50 years ago.

At first I wasn't going to get cryogenically frozen. But then I figured, "Hey, you only live once!"

He drank 12 Bud Lights and passed out so thin!

Achieving your dreams requires hard work. This is a big problem for me because my dream is to not work hard.

Everyday I pray to God and give thanks for all the wonderful things I assume will eventually happen to me.

Facebook is so impersonal. So from now, I'm going to invite everyone to play Candy Crush by phone.

Life is all just one big simile. (Though I'm speaking metaphorically.)

I've been having non-committal sex with an unusable violin -- no strings attached!

If Donald Trump had a nickel for every asinine thing he said, he'd be a very rich man.

It's said that "the best things in life are free." But, no, I have to pay for my pelvic massages.

Growing up, we were so poor that I had to wear my mannequin's old hand-me-downs.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the morning.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that you're not good enough. Just be not good enough.

When Bic writes, he uses a pen name.

My fiancée and I have the same last name. But when we get married, she wants to keep her last name... just out of spite.

I'm trying to watch my waistline. (My waistline has hardcore pornography on it.)

I have no idea why they call it a "smart phone". If you ask me, it's not very phone.

I might be drunk, but you're stupid. And at least tomorrow I won't be... no, I'll still be drunk.

My depressed friend is in his bedroom right now crying for help. Personally? I think it's a cry for help.

I lost my legs and the woman bled to death. That's the last time I try on-lion dating.

When a man drives around in a Miata, it's only to compensate for his tiny vagina.

I think it's finally time to sit my son down and talk to him about sex. (Did I mention that my son is Ron Jeremy?)

My wedding ceremony ran long because the "anyone opposing this marriage speak now or forever hold your peace" part took longer than expected.

Remember in the 1800s when the Amish were on the forefront of modern technology?

It's said that there is no greater bond than the one between a mother and her child. But I still prefer Sean Connery.

I'm a member of "A". (We're not alcoholics. But we prefer to stay anonymous.)

My building doesn't have a "13th" floor because it's bad luck. Although a lot of people on the fourteenth floor do seem to be dying.

The way I explain "death" to children is that it's like being asleep, but it's even better because you don't have to wake up.

I never apologize unless I'm absolutely sure I can get away with it.

Do you think these jeans I can no longer fit into make me look fat?

When AC/DC recorded "Highway to Hell," do you think they were singing about the Long Island Expressway?

I feel bad for infants because they've never had a real childhood.

I wrote an email about how I hate everyone I know. And I accidentally hit "reply to all."