01/26/2012 12:54 pm ET Updated Mar 27, 2012

Googling the Candidates

Now that we're in the thick of this thickening display of Republican nominating politics, we would think that we have a pretty good idea of who all these candidates actually are. But, if we're still a little unsure, if we want to scratch below the surface, if we really want to search out their true essence, there's always one place we can go to find out what people are actually wondering about the men running for President: Google. And no, I'm not talking about the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex, I'm talking about simply typing the candidates into the Google search box and seeing what comes up as the most popular result. What people are thinking about all alone, when they're thinking of these guys, sitting in front of their computer. This should be fun.

Let's start by searching "Mitt Romney is". Mitt Romney issues comes up first. And yeah, he's got those. He's got all sorts of issues. Literally every issue, he's got it. You name an issue, Mitt's got an opinion. Maybe even a few. He is a man of issues. There is not a single issue he will eschew. Except for his tax returns, that took him a while to issue. Now that's an issue. Mitt Romney israel up next. What is this, Joogle? Or Koogle? Who knew so many people wanted to know his policy on the Promised Land? What a bunch of nebbish evangelicals. Then comes Mitt Romney is a tool. Well, that's true, but I'm not sure why you need to dig any deeper to find that out. Just watch a speech. And last, and most excellent, Mitt Romney is so Mormon. Not just sorta Mormon, he's really, really Mormon. How Mormon is he? Mitt Romney is so Mormon he thinks our mission in Afghanistan involves riding bikes and going hut to hut to hand out pamphlets.

Now on to the most popular searches for Newt Gingrich. "Newt Gingrich is" 1) a joke 2) an idiot 3) not a conservative 4) evil. No wonder he's now the Republican front-runner. Good to know the people are getting to know him a lot better though. As for "Newt Gingrich has" 1) no morals 2) a gay daughter 3) no chance 4) a PhD. Of which, only one is false. See if you can figure it out. And finally, "Newt Gingrich should" 1) be president 2) not be president 3) be in jail 4) run. Well, those first two definitely leave a little wiggle room. Guess that proves that Google is truly democratic. The third one would be awesome if he was forced to share the cell he wanted to throw Barney Frank in. That would quickly become the top-rated show on television. And the fourth one is just true. Newt could definitely stand to stop standing so much and get on a treadmill. A jog would not hurt that man.

As for the other guys, guess what, they get searched a lot too. And according to their number one results, "Rick Santorum is" gay and "Ron Paul is" crazy. But don't think either of them will admit it anytime soon. No way. That's why you need to rely on the Internet. Because if you were to listen only to the candidate, they would probably tell you the exact opposite. In fact, Rick Santorum is also "a moron" and "a bigot," and there's no way he'd agree with either of those assessments. Well, maybe the second one. On the flip side Ron Paul is "racist" and "winning," which it's nice to know are not mutually exclusive for a Republican candidate. So, just to recap: Mitt Romney -- issues, Newt Gingrich -- a joke, Rick Santorum -- gay, and Ron Paul -- crazy. Sounds about right, no?

That's why we are so lucky to live in an era where we have access to so much information, some might say unlimited, to make the most informed decisions possible when it comes to choosing our elected officials. There is simply no excuse for ignorance in this day and digital age. We, the searchers, have complete autonomy. Which leads us to the man that any of these Republican candidates will be running against. Probably the most searched man in the history of the Internet (after Bieber, if he's considered a man). The man about who we should all know the most, President Barack Obama. And thus it makes perfect sense that his top three results are: Barack Obama is an idiot, Barack Obama is a muslim, and Barack Obama is gay. It's good to know there's still somewhere we can go to get the truth.