10/11/2012 06:02 pm ET Updated Dec 11, 2012

Liberal Media Freak Out: No Wonder They Call You Lame

Jesus, liberal media, get your shit together. Pull your jaw off the floor and get back to work. If you thought the month before the election was going to be a vacation then I hope you bought traveler's insurance. Because it looks like you're going to be needed at the office. One set-back and you all want to scream and hide. Save your sad, throat-slitting soliloquies for November 7, Sullivan. Until then we have an election to win.

But we already shot our wad. We did all we can do. We went after the tax returns, attacked Bain Capital and spread the 47 percent of Americans are pieces of garbage video. We wrapped it up and put a bow on it. And then he went and dropped our gift off a mile high building. It's not our fault. What do you want from us? Can't we be depressed for at least a little bit? The conservative media had their chance to freak out. And turn on each other like a hungry rugby team. They've been entitled to months of self-doubt, cynicism, and despair. Why can't we have our chance? At least give us a week. To panic. And wallow in the doom and gloom. And wonder where it all went wrong. And be giant pussies. One week, please?

No. Now is not the time. You're not preaching to the Pew anymore. You don't have the luxury to mope. You've got to come back strong. Go hard. Dig deep. Find something. Inside yourselves. About Mitt Romney's shady past and report on it immediately. You've got to shift the arc of history. Bend it back to the truth. As tough as that may be.

You've got to restore the bias of power. Before this thing goes too far off the rails. Remember when Mitt Romney was a sketchy businessman who founded a company based off profiting from putting other companies in enough debt that they went bankrupt and then went to shady rich-only lengths to avoid paying his own taxes and also comes across as the most awkward automaton in America? You know, last week. Maybe you should put some effort in trying to remind people of all that. If your attention can possibly span that far back.

Are you really going to give up because of one bad debate? If you did that we'd have had eight years of George W. Bush. Oh wait. That's right, if you don't learn from history, were doomed to Romney it. And a Ryan budget. And a recycling of the whole mess that was made. All because you'd rather whine than write. You'd rather fret than fight. You'd rather bark than bite.

Put aside your aching bellies and find some intestinal fortitude. Stop defeating yourselves. Grow a pair. You don't jump ship at the first sign of rocky water, you row harder. With more and more rows of print. Until they become pages. And eventually scripts. That you can stick to them. And redefine the narrative. They don't call you the mainstream media for nothing. You're the most powerful current. With the ability to determine events. So get to gushing.

Oh, I know you in the liberal media try to hold yourselves to some higher standard. You are not a monolithic propaganda machine like they have on the other side. You are beholden to honesty, fairness, reality. Bullshit. Not when there's an election to decide in less than a month. This is not the time for journalistic integrity. This is the time to step up and do the right's thing. For the sake of the country.

So let's go liberal media. Buck up. Get your heads back in the game. Stop contributing to the psychosomatic polling. Don't jump on the bandwagon, turn it around. Forward, not backward. Positivity, not pessimism. Pull victory from your jawing of defeat. And then feed it to a pundit. It's time to rally. The president's going to have to do his job. And you will too.