09/21/2012 04:10 pm ET Updated Nov 21, 2012

Take a Load for Free: Those Lucky 47s

Forty-seven percent of this country doesn't pay income tax? Man, their lives must be awesome. Just imagine the amazing vacations, sweet cars, and fabulous houses they're able to afford with all that money they save from being below the limit of qualifying for income tax. They must live large. Like esse. They must be making it rain. Once their ends meet. They've gotta be straight chilling. After they get home from their crappy low-paying job. Not paying income tax has to be the life.

The poor and unknown really have it made in this country. That's why everyone wants to be them when they grow up. Who doesn't want to struggle to put food on the table, go broke if you get sick, live in a cramped apartment, get stuck in the cycle, and try to survive day to day? Especially if that means you don't have to pay income tax. It's just not fair. The poor just get it handed to them. Day after day.

That's why we needn't worry about them. They're poor. They've got everything they could ever want or need. Crummy housing, bad food, and cable television. They're living the dream. Keeping poor families poor is just like keeping rich families rich. Nobody gets hurt. Everybody wins. Talk about a victimless crime. Why should anyone be held responsible?

So what that 47 percent of our country is pathetic, hopeless losers? Disgusting, mouth-breathing back-sweaters. Ignorant, incapable, invalids. Stupid, miserable, old people. Thin-haired, stoop-shouldered, bow-legged, shiftless bums forced to work long shifts for minimal wages. Brown-toothed, long-toenailed veterans. Terrible, ugly, horrible, smelly lower-middle-class families. Dregs. They don't have to pay income tax. Seems like a sweet deal from where I'm standing.

Oh to be the 47 percent. And live on Easy Street. In the bad part of town. Not the North Side of Easy Street, where the nice, big houses are. The South Side of Easy Street. Over the train tracks. Where property values have plummeted. And the police are afraid to go. That's where I want to rest my head. And pay my property tax. And sales tax at the unsafe super market. And payroll tax for working at that same super market. Life is great on the scary section of Easy Street. No one may want to come in, but at least I don't have to pay a tax if they do.

What really sucks is being in the 53 percent. Living comfortably. Saving for retirement. Eating out only a few times a week. Having barely the amount of cars you need. Taking just a few foreign trips each year. And then paying income tax on top of all that. What a punishment success turns out to be. What a yoke around the neck, and all over the face. What a crock. The system is rigged.

It's just so much harder to be a have than a not. It's wholly unfair. Having to go to all these weddings out of state. Having to buy presents for birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and any other scam these greeting card companies can come up with. Having to get HBO just to know what everyone else is talking about. Who wouldn't prefer to not have to do any of those things? Not have a pot to piss in but an actual working toilet, paid for by the government. Not have any worries or a care in this world because it's already beaten you down. Not have to pay income tax. Sounds like a dream.

Why would anyone in their right mind ever want to make so much money that they would have to give some of it back? Talk about the height of stupidity. I'd rather take home less if it meant I didn't have to hand out more. That way I could keep it all for my own. I'll burn my winning lotto ticket before I let anyone lay their greedy paws on it. They didn't help me pick the numbers, so why should they be entitled to some of the reward? It's not like they contributed to the pot. Or helped to build it up. With their own last hard-earned dollars. They're just mooching off my good luck.

Mo' taxes, mo' problems. That's the reason no one wants to pay them. Paying taxes means you've done well, and what a burden that can be. That's why, given a choice, we'd all elect to be members of the fortunate 47 percent. And forego the trappings of the 53. Who wouldn't want to be a dependent? It's so liberating. While paying taxes is like a prison. A prison of prosperity. Wouldn't we all just rather live the life of the poor, and free?