06/24/2014 02:08 pm ET Updated Aug 24, 2014

The Dos and Don'ts of Pregnancy

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Do eat at least five portions of vegetables daily. If you're eating healthy your baby is too.

Don't get up if you don't want to, but I would love a butterscotch pudding cup. I know we don't have any, but I bet Key Foods does. But seriously you don't have to go if you don't want to. But if they don't have them there though, maybe that fancy bodega on Third? I'm sure you can find it somewhere. And can you please bring me a spoon from the kitchen?

Do sleep on your left side. This is best for air-flow to the baby.

Don't touch me. Can't you get into bed without touching me? Everything hurts, do you understand that? I don't need you poking and prodding me as well. Just stay on your side. Now give me a back massage.

Do take two minutes out of your day for you and your partner to place your hands on your tummy and send positive thoughts to the baby.

Don't freak out. So what if you're whole entire life is going to change for the whole entire remaining length of it? That doesn't mean you should panic. Just because everything you were before is obsolete, and everything you need to be now is what you were once terrified of becoming. And that you have no idea if you're going to be able to do this. Or what it will require. Or whether you're even okay missing that stupid party on Saturday. And the next one. And the one after that which sounds awesome. Don't spiral out of control into the dark depths of your mind just because you're concerned about your horrible inadequacies and whether you're going to end up raising one of those jerky kids who's a total jerk. The ones with that look in their eye. Where you can just tell from photos and a few freckles that they're terrible. You're freaking out.

Do avoid alcohol, illegal drugs, and any more than one cup of caffeine a day. They can have adverse effects on the development of your baby.

Don't mind me, I'll just be sitting here across from you, staring longingly and bitterly as you sip that beer. Margaritas, margaritas everywhere, nor any drop to drink. You were asking whether I was having any cravings? Yeah, booze.

Do see your doctor regularly and take any pre-natal vitamins that are prescribed.

Don't expect your medical professional to tell you that it's all been a dream, and you're not actually pregnant, and that you can go back to that beautiful time when you were only discussing the idea of becoming pregnant and how amazingly special that would be.

Do exercise! Physical health is great for the baby.

Don't you dare tell me what to do. Who the hell do you think you are? Oh, you want me to run? Why don't you try running when your feet are swollen and your tits are the size of a triceratops? Nothing I want to do more when my back is killing than hop on my bike and ride a few miles. Thanks for the advice. Any heavy-lifting you need done as well? Second jobs I can take on? I'm not exhausted enough so anything else you need on your end, you just let me know. I'll be right here, pregnant.

Do gain a healthy amount of weight. Try not to put on more than the recommended amount of pounds during pregnancy.

Don't even.

Do be prepared for mood swings. Pregnancy can be an emotional time.

Don't do that. Don't set me up to be crazy. So that everything I say and feel is actually just a result of some chemical imbalance in my brain. Don't trivialize me! In fact, don't you think I should be demanding the dos anyway? Oh God, am I being terrible? I'm sorry. I love you so much.

Do you want me to go get you that pudding?

Don't stop rubbing my feet. It'll all be so much easier when the baby gets here.