09/17/2014 10:14 am ET Updated Nov 16, 2014

20 Worst Things to Say On a First Date

1. I share a bed with my roommate, but it's not like we're gay or anything.

2. Witness protection doesn't offer as much protection as you might think.

3. For a fat girl, you don't sweat much.

4. Paying in pennies is my way of sticking it to The Man.

5. I thought you'd be blonder.

6. Do you know how to use a defibrillator?

7. Sure, we're living together, but it's only for appearances.

8. The rash is almost gone.

9. I'm returning this text from my college buddy because he's such a loser that he'll just keep texting me until I do. He'll only pull my chain if I tell him I'm on a date. Gimme a minute. Here's a five. Get us a couple of drinks.

10. I'm assuming from your profile picture that you're on a diet, right?

11. Be honest: Can you even believe I'm still single?

12. My hobby is giving myself tattoos. Maybe you've already guessed.

13. If the waiter knows what's good for him, he'll accept this two-for-one coupon even though it's expired.

14. Monogamy is such a middle-class, artificial, self-defeating cultural anachronism; I can't believe anyone still believes it's a viable option.

15. My mother/boss/ex/sister/neighbor/kindergarten teacher was a real grade-A b****, you know what I mean? You know that kind of b****?

16. I feel really connected to wolves. I'm pretty sure I was a wolf in my last life. Do you personally like it when the moon is full?

17. Got any Percocet?

18. "Are they real?" You know, like in Seinfeld? (Pause) Well, are they?

19. I hope you're not wearing perfume or hairspray or deodorant or feminine hygiene spray because I am extremely sensitive to smell.

20. Are you gonna finish that?